Post Holiday Weight Gain Check In

I don't usually post here about the Keto way of eating but I am today...

I was kind of torn between deciding if I wanted to maintain a keto way or eating around the holidays or just indulge in the holidays and eat all of the traditional foods that I tie so many memories and emotions to... Well I didn't make a conscience decision, I think my sub-conscience just decided to throw keto out the window for a little while and eat whatever I wanted. I think it all began with my Disney trip on 12/1, I was definitely off of keto for at least 10 days straight. Anyway, I'm paying the piper now, I just weighed in and have gained 20 pounds! I knew I gained some, I thought maybe 10 but 20... that's insane to me. I can't believe how fast carbs make me body retain weight.

I'm thinking back to the cheating I did and I have to say, it wasn't worth it. There wasn't anything I feel like, you know what this 20 pounds was worth the gain. I ate what I wanted and had the buckeyes that my Grandmother makes around the holidays and although I like memories of her, eating junk food didn't make me feel any better not having her around for the holidays. I feel more depressed knowing I have to re-lose this 20 pounds and that I probably would've disappointed her more with this gain than eating those candies and all the other junk. If I could rewind time I would have maintained a Keto way of eating throughout Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've felt tired from eating the carbs, sluggish and bloated. The carbs just aren't worth it, the tastes aren't worth it, they don't make me feel happier or negate any feelings of not having my Grandparents around for the holidays.

I've been pursuing the Keto woe for a year and a half now, I think this is the first time I actually self evaluated my choices throughout the holidays. Next year my goal will be to maintain a keto woe as I have no desire to eat sugar, there's so many delicious keto options too. Perhaps next year I will eat whatever I want that's keto friendly and compare a potential gain to this year. 20 pounds, that's crazy. I won't let this be a major setback, I will lose it again and I will also hit my goal of 199 in 2019! I mean the year has 19 in it, it's kind of meant to be! :D

On to working out, this is one thing I haven't figured out yet. I can do it myself but a personal trainer helps me immensity. I also like the boot camp environment. I feel like I haven't quite found one I like yet. I just need to get this straightened out to feel like I'll be on track again. I also need a backup plan though, I can't let my success depend on an external factor. More planning to be done...

Dead

I feel like all hope is lost, I feel like the hope that I thought was there was just a facade. I was in love with someone who couldn't love me back and now we're friends. I feel like it's killing me but I think if their feelings were mutual, I wouldn't love them any longer. It's like I'm purposely making myself be alone.
I don't know what's wrong with me any more and I'm losing hope in just going on living. I don't know what is left for me any more. I'm losing interest in everything, what I thought was important to me just doesn't seem like it's worth anything now.

I thought things would be different for me as I lost this weight but it seems like life is getting more depressing. I started at 401 pounds and now down to 259, I don't think my goal weight will change anything.

It just feels like I'm incapable of love

On the verge of losing control

I've never considered that I may be creating a fake persona on social media. I like to show everything I have from making right decisions and working for it because to be honest I don't have any real friends and I guess I'm hoping they'll want to come hang out. When I say no friends I mean not like the friends I had years ago where I wanted to spend all the time with them, people I could open up completely to. I would love a relationship but if I don't feel passionate for the person I can't force it. I thought maybe I could but I can't... I want to have kids one day but if I don't love their mother what would that do to the kids? This is why I write about my feelings on this blog, I feel like no one else would listen and if they did, they really wouldn't be supportive. I need help and I don't know what I need help with or where to find it. It's been so long since I've actually been happy. I really don't know what to do any more.

A bucket

3/23/13

All of us are given a bucket. Some of us use the bucket to carry things. Some might use the bucket to carry concrete or tools to build things. Some of us may hate the bucket and resent it. Some of us may just not know what the bucket is used for. Some may break the bucket and be unable to use it.

Regardless, we all got a bucket and we all get to choose what to do with it. Every bucket is equal although they may look different each serves the same thing on whatever you choose.

I love you Nanny

I originally wrote this on 10/12/14

I lost my Grandmother, Rita Schatzel (Nanny) on September 15th. I knew her health was declining and told myself she would probably pass away soon but another part of me never expected to lose her. I have so many wonderful memories of spending with her, I know I won't see her again but these memories are so vivid in my mind I feel like she'll never really be gone.

The dieting secret and why I failed

I'm officially down 100lbs! I want to look back at previous blogs about weight oss and read my notes! I'm so glad I'm in better health and clothes are fitting easier! A few things that are different. not having to deal with swelling legs at night time, I don't feel tired around 2pm every day at work, just the general bloated feeling i felt all the time is nice to be rid of!

So about the subject line of this blog, the diet secret. I was watching My 600lb life today and there was a lady on it named Melissa Morris that I believe was one of the first participates of the show and one of Dr. Nowzaradan's first super obese patients to receive a stomach reduction surgery, sorry I don't have the exact scientific terms for you, you can google it if you'd like. First of all, Melissa is a huge inspiration to me and here's why:

She persists! She lost 400+ pounds and changed her life completely around. She had 3 children and went through a divorce. She gained a little over 100 back from the pregnancies but she isn't letting that weight get her down to where she falls completely back into bad habits. She actively trying to correct the problem and get her weight back down. Dr. Now mentioned a quote by Mark Twain that I can't find right now but went something like, You can quit an addiction 100 times but the real test to having over come it is by not picking it back up again. Weightloss will be a life long battle and it'll require constant monitoring and control. Melissa wasn't afraid to show she had gained more weight and let the world see that weightloss isn't always a permanent thing, whether done naturally or surgically, weightloss requires a change of habits.

During this episode Melissa kept referring to her problem being in her head, which I agree completely with. Weightloss doesn't start in the gym, it's going to first start in your head. You have to change your habits and the way you think about your life, you just have to or it's not going to be a solution you can maintain for a lifetime.

During the course of my life and dealing with my weight I think at times I was hoping someone could fix that mental aspect for me or at least tell me what to do to change. No one has been able to tell me yet on how to get your mind straight for losing weight but I think the secret is, at least from my experience is STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Whenever I'm in my head I usually get depressed about life which leads me to just not caring about anything and eating because it stimulates part of my brain that feels happy. Being in my head makes me think I'm tired when in reality I could go do the exercise. Being in your head all the time is detrimental and I believe most of my problem with weight and even other issues like my stuttering/blocking.

Another dieting secret, exercise isn't needed but it will assist you in losing weight and strengthen your body. I think for the times in the past when I attempted a calorie deficit way of eating along with exercise it was just setting myself up for disaster.

One of the funniest dreams I've had in awhile...

My cousin Faith and a few friends decided to visit foreign country. I stopped by my aunt Annette's and Uncle Paul's house to pick up Faith, while I was at their house Faith was telling me how Jason had something stolen from him again recently. I guess a few months prior to this dream, someone stole something valuable like his car, I forget what it was. Faith told me to guess what someone stole from him this time, I told her I had no idea and she answered his voodoo doll! I said oh my gosh how did that happen? She said well Jason had a radio channel party, hundreds of his friends visited aunt Annette and Uncle Paul's to listen to the radio. Well during this party someone apparently took his voodoo doll.

So my cousin faith and I leave and we drive an old beat-up pickup truck to the country we are visiting. We were taking these back roads that were real hilly, I was flying down the hills and as I was driving there was an anti gravity effect since I was going down hill so quickly. We were drinking sodas as we drove and holding the soda bottle caps in our hand, we realized if we let the cap go it would start floating! During my dream I didn't relate the anti gravity effect to how fast I was driving down hill, I just thought there was less gravity in the country we were in...

We finally get to our destination and check into our room, I called the few friends who also went and we decided that we would meetup and visit the beach. As Faith and I make our way to the beach I spot a little vendor outside the hotel that's selling theater style popcorn in a big bucket. So I buy a bucket of popcorn and by the time I get to the beach it's almost all gone. A friend asks to taste some popcorn and I tell her well there's only a few pieces left that you can have but I'm sure there's going to be another vendor on the beach that can refill it for us.
Before we all go into the water faith says she's going to stay behind to wear her Power Jacket. She said if anyone doesn't know what that means they can stay behind with her and she'll explain it to them but it could take an hour. I think it meant she was going to stay behind and smoke a cigarette, but I'm not sure.
So my friends and I start walking down to the beach and on our way there there's a concrete ramp that leads to the water. Where the concrete ended there were a few rocks we had to step down into. Sarah decides that she's going to jump from the concrete ramp onto the rocks in the water to avoid some oysters. As she's jumping I'm standing behind her and when she jumps she accidentally kicked me in the crotch. And that was my dream...

Nanny

As I lay here in bed trying to fall asleep I can't help but think of you, as I do many nights. I think of the months leading up to your passing and how you had to stay in that assisted living facility. I can't remember how many times I went to visit you there but I feel like it wasn't enough. I wish I could go back in time so badly and just spend every minute with you.
There are times when we have family get togethers and we are happy together but the thought of you not being there is always in the back of my mind. I never bring it up to other family because the truth is I'll just fall apart and I don't know how to deal with my emotions. It's been almost 4 years since you've been gone and I still have nights like tonight when I break down and act like I just heard you were no longer with us. I remember when my mom told me you passed, I was driving out of the parking lot of work. When she told me I said something simple like aww, that's too bad but I'm glad your no longer suffering. I was pretty silent after I said that and I think my mom thought I just didn't know what else to say but in reality I was holding back my tears and trying my best to not burst out crying.
I regret not seeing your body, it feels like I don't have closure knowing your really gone. I regret you passed alone, I wish I was by your side holding your hand. I hope the nurse that was with you or found you kept you comfort. I hate the fact of not being there with you because in the back of my mind I face terror not knowing if a nurse was good or mean to you. I hope you forgive me Nanny I don't know of I'll ever get over these feelings.

Winning the lottery

So here's my question, how would wining the lottery effect your life?

I'm going to add to this at a later date but I wanted to save this idea as I lay here trying to fall asleep.

Imagine having 500,000,000.00 that's half a trillion at your disposal. Would you share with family and friends? Would you quit your job? Would you help your community? Do you imagine yourself having better experiences or relationships with your friends and family?

Make a list of your life now with 500M, what would it look like? Are any of those experiences things the money would allow you to do but not actually require any cash to doing it? For example, would you feel compelled to visit a facility that helps the handicapped?

Make a list...

The kindness is gone

Before I write one of these blog posts a few things go through my mind, the first being, What can I write that might have an impact on others? The second thought is, how I'm going to censor myself for anyone who might be reading. I realize this is a public forum and the reason I write is for my first thought, perhaps I can impact someone. In reality I think I'm only doing this for me, perhaps when I'm gone people (family, friends?) can refer back to this to learn some more about my thoughts and who I was.

I'm realizing that when I lost my grandparents I think I lost the kindness in my life. The kindness and true sincerity of someone caring about me feels like it's gone. I think this has also effected the kindness I exude and it disappoints me. My intentions are to be a happy bubbly person who would do anything for anyone but the reality is, I'm not that way. A lot of people annoy me, family and friends. I get angry thinking about situations and that just seems to put me in a further funk. It feels like I've given up and I have to remind myself to be the person whose different. I want to be the person people love, not for them but because I want that feeling in return.

I don't know what would make me happy any more. I have the tendency to think of how I can make other people happy when I think about how to make myself happy. This is my people pleaser mentality and I'm not sure if I want to get rid of that? It's like I've had it all my life and I feel like my kindness is connected to that. If I were to let it go, would I be letting go of my kindness completely? Why does my happiness have to involve other people? I don't know if that's normal.

I just looked up some articles about happiness and found this,

According to the Urban Dictionary, a “hater” can be defined by:
A person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for.
A being that speaks badly, and/or takes negative actions in attempt to create problems for a successful person.

I have to admit that I am sometimes a "hater". I don't know if I get jealous. For instance someone gets a better paying job, one I could have but don't want. My actions from that person's perspectives probably aren't friendly ones. I stop communicating with them and this how ridiculous everything they do is. That sounds like jealousy to me but I don't understand why I am jealous? I just need to stop this and be happy for the person, so many of us default to jealousy and most are probably ignorant to it like myself.

The Wrongly Interpreted Monster

You may have your sight but can believe what you're seeing? Sometimes we can make a "mountain out of a molehill" and the way this is done depends of our perspective on the subject. Well all have our opinions about things and the situations we face may seem simple to others but highly complex for us. If something can have such polar opposites whose to determine which of the sides is true? I think it's the person's perception the situation that determines how true something is.

You can idealize some one else's life and wish you had as much money and things as they do or you can be a person who makes a significant amount of money, owns many things and still feel unhappy thinking about something else you don't have. It almost seems as if we could just change our mindset we wouldn't have to want anything. Do you really need that new car? Are you just getting it to impress someone? Chances are that person may get jealous and just stop talking to you.

Anything of this world won't satisfy us and that's something I need to learn. It's nice to share experiences with others, those memories will last a life time. Life times are fleeting as it is...

No matter where I get in life or what I accomplish I don't think I'll ever truly be happy. No matter how much you try to do for others you'll never get the appreciation you expected in return. Nothing truly does matter in this life.