The way he has to live a double life and not let anyone in. It's not really something he chooses to do but something he's been hardwired to live by. I hate that I feel so much a like but I don't believe there's a way to change. I'll let people get close but eventually I find a way to push them a way. Perhaps I fear they'll just leave any way so I shorten the stay... idk. I'm oil that just doesn't mix with water it seems. The worse thing is, is that living like this used to be harder but now it's something I'm accustomed to. If I truly let someone in, I'm not sure to as how long they'd stay. Anyway, now time for a random dream I had!
I was on my Grandparent's dock, I was with my sister and nephew. My sister was up in my grandparent's backyard on the concrete that divides their yard. For some reason I let my 3 year old nephew go and run to her. As he was running a long the seawall he got too close to the edge and fell off into the water. I remember right after letting him go, as he was half way across the seawall, that he was going to fall in. I was frozen on the dock knowing this and just waiting, thinking, hoping I was wrong. He fell in and right before I jump in the water I think that my phone is going to get ruined. --Now I have quite a few crazy intense horrific dreams and to tell you the truth they don't bother me. What bothered me mostly about this dream is that I thought about my phone before jumping in the water. --Back to the dream... The thought of my phone races through my mind but I ignore it and jump in. I see my sister screaming and about to jump into the water but decided not to since I was already diving down for him. All I remember is being thankful the tide wasn't higher than is was and in mid swim to the bottom I forced myself awake, knowing that this was not reality.I wonder some times if I think about things, things around me, things that normally your sub-conscience may pick up on but you never realize, too much. In my opinion, it seems pretty intricate that in my dream I analyzed the height of the water to the seawall and determined what the depth of the water was. I knew if it was a high tide that there probably wasn't a chance that I could make it to the bottom. I also thought to myself that no matter what, I could not live with myself if I didn't come back up with my nephew in my arms. I would have undoubtedly swam as far as I could even if I didn't have the breathe...
I'm thinking about Dexter again and how in his every day life he is one of the nicest people to know. Brings donuts pretty often to work for everyone to enjoy and never seems to turn anyone down that asks for help, even if he was in the middle of killing someone. It's like he is the perfect definition of night and day. Although in his mind he only lives to make people happy. He only kills to make sure no one else gets hurt, at least so far through season 2 that is... I guess what I need to work on more is being prepared on going in for the kill. Obviously not literally, but learn how to continue being Mr. nice guy while at the same time not changing a beat when the situation requires. Instead of feeling inferior and anxious surprise them by being unusually calm and confident in the time of quarrel.
Anywayz enough about that stuff! I'm on about day 7 of having this cold and feel like it'll be completely gone by day 9. 3 days of coming, 3 days of residence and 3 days leaving! It sux because I haven't been to the gym in a good week but there's no way I could have worked out feeling like I do. I really want to hit my goal of weighing 250 by Christmas! It would be amazing to take a snowboarding trip early next year or perhaps the next winter... probably have to shoot for next winter considering the need of getting out of debt. Which I have been doing better at lately too. Well not actually paying it off, need to still send a large payment in but doing better with making stupid purchases. Before i by something I think about the actual material and time spent and who made the item before I purchase it. I'm trying to think before I buy, imagine that... Hopefully by this time next year I'll only have my car debt! And hopefully weigh under 200 pounds! It makes me excited thinking about it because I know how quickly a year passes, I've been blogging over a year which blows my mind! August 13th is when I started. Funny how i never really intended to keep going with this but it's nice being able to release me thoughts and who I am to the world and so far not having much response back from it. If people like reading about me and who I am than I'm happy with that. I know people are too because I see stats that people are specially googling me by searching, "mp3markel blogspot" anywayz, I'm outta here! I sure hope next year I'll be writing a blog on how I am under 200 pounds...
