Monday, October 3, 2016

My name is Mark, and this is another attempt...

I wish I were perfect and could say I apply my knowledge into daily practice. I'm tired of being overweight, literally. I feel like I need to blog my conditions so I don't forget where I came from. My feet always hurt when walking and especially after getting up from sitting down or laying. My face feels pressure when laying down from all of my fat moving upward and pressing against me. My lower back is in pain. I can barely bend over without the feeling of my heart skipping a beat or losing my breathe. All I want to do it lay down and sleep. I have sleep apnea which prevents me from getting good sleep. I can't shop for clothes in regular retail stores any more. I can't fit in rides at theme parks. I'm much more attractive when I weighed 200 pounds, even with the loose skin. Maintaining this weight is esentially giving up on life.

Life Goals

I usually discourage myself from writing when I'm feeling down but perhaps it good to so i can see a different side of my thought pattern... I'm contemplating the reason of my life. What am I living for, what do i want to accomplish with the rest of my time here on earth? I found an article titled, "How to set a goal when you don't know what you want" that's exactly how I feel right now. Even if we attain our dreams I believe there still comes a point where you feel, ok now what? Like you'll never be satisfied with anything. Part of that article listed goal ideas such as, becoming closer to your partner, working a job you love, owning your dream home, getting to a healthy weight... the list goes on, full of typical goals people wish for. I feel like I want something more, something about us humans. The human instinct of attaining these typical goals just isn't there for me, I don't know what I want out of this life! Nothing sounds exciting to work toward. I think what I'll have to settle for are just the typical things of life. I really need to plan more activities, sitting around the house on weekends is a major waste of time... Let's think of a list of things I'd enjoy...

  • Camping with family (do when it's cooler)
  • Swimming in a river or water park (do now during summer)
  • Visit Anclote island
  • Relax near a waterfall
  • Try to see family in Ohio more
  • This one should probably be #1, find a girlfriend, maybe start my own family? I think ultimately this will lead to the most fulfilling life. Sometimes I wonder if I would make a good boyfriend/husband, a good Father. I'm a loving person but there's a side of me that's also unloving and can easily lose interest. I don't know...
  • Create special experiences, what do I mean by this you ask? Well as a child I used to looooove Christmas time and going to my Grandmother's to see all of the animated Christmas figurines, munching on cookies, buckeyes, peanut butter fudge! Last Christmas when I lost 2 grandparents and while my Grandmother was pretty out of it, I just didn't feel the Christmas spirit. I didn't decorate or put up a Christmas tree, it was depressing. I need to realize that I should do this for not only myself but for others as well to spread the Christmas spirit, to create memories.
  • Print photographs of fun memories. I have a wall just waiting to be decorated with memories, get to printing them!!

Things I've accomplished:

  • Own a home that will be paid off in less than 12 years
  • Captured family video and created Blu-rays from both sides of my family. Although I wonder if either have actually sat down to watch any of it...
  • Have a job I love! I do admit there are times it's not so loving but as of right now I love the people I work with and I love the feeling of finishing a project, knowing I made something better for others.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Breaking the mold

As I begin another weight loss journey in my life I begin thinking of the type of life I will lead when I'm skinny, how much more fun and out going my life will be, how friends will always want to hang out with me. I'm not sure why I think these things will change, some things like the way you're treated by men and women are definitely different (been there once). In reality though to greatly effect your way of life I think there needs to be a mentality shift. The things we have become accustomed to need to be changed, the mold we based our lived around needs to shatter! Losing weight really is all in the mind, it's even more difficult doing this completely alone. I've been trying to work out with someone from work but I may look into using a trainer again. Having the person motivating you and someone to be accountable to is soo much help.

Weight loss was one of the reasons I bring up the topic of "breaking the mold" but another reason is because something else was bothering me. I was thinking about childhood and how I did more as a family. Back then my Dad just seemed a lot more outgoing, we'd go camping, travel to the family's cabin in N.C., play Mario Kart, football, baseball... now it just seems like we do nothing. Both of my parents are consumed with working, I'm not sure if it's for the extra couple of bucks or just to keep them busy with something.

Since all of my grandparents have passed, the shortness of this life just seems much more apparent to me. I literally lose my breathe when I think of them no longer being here. They were the people I could reside in, my maternal grandmother was also like a good friend. We'd see movies together, go out to eat, share some wild stories. Nanny was so intelligent and lived a colorful life with so many great experiences. I hate to think of all the lost memories and stories that went with her. I wish so much that she'd just come back. Sometimes I feel like I should've been there near the end with her more. I know she realizes I loved her but I wish I said it more, I wish I expressed it more. I wish this for all of my grandparents. I want them all back so badly... I'm different without them here. I care less about life some times but I'm doing my best to deal with it. The thing I need to remember most is to create new memories with those I still have around me. Try to give other people the joys my grandparents gave me.