Sunday, June 23, 2013

I Need A Reason

I'm still battling weight loss... right now the weight gain is winning... For the past 2 months I've been facing something different than I've ever experienced before when trying to lose weight. I'm starting to not care about losing weight, almost like I'm giving up at wanting to try any more. Are some people just meant to be overweight? I see some people that workout twice a day, 7 days a week and I wonder why someone wants to spend that much time in the gym. When do they relax, when do they indulge in the really good (bad) food and desserts? Why deprive yourself from fatty foods? Sure eating like that will make you fat and probably have a heart attack at some point in life but aren't we all going to die? I sound like some friends who tell me they aren't concerned about smoking and getting cancer because they know they will die some time anyway. I think that thought process is wrong but at the same time there is some truth to it. Someone that's in shape doesn't necessarily extend their time on earth, anyone could get into a car accident and be killed. Some sort of tragedy could occur and take your life.

If you're happy with yourself and your quality of life then you are perfect, regardless of how much you weigh.

Myself on the other hand. I am not happy with my life and the quality of life isn't top notch... I thank the Lord for the blessings He has given me. Less than 2 years ago I was working at a furniture store making 2 bucks over minimum wage, now I have a job in my field of study that's paying 3x over minimum wage, my car is paid off and I own a home! So much has changed in such a short amount of time it couldn't have been none other than the blessings of the Lord. I thank God for giving me everything. Even with my life on a good track, I'm still not entirely satisfied... I have to lose this weight. There are plenty of reasons on why I should and want to lose weight but I think they all boil down to this, I want a wife and family. No matter what I accomplish in life, no matter how much money I have, I'm not going to feel happy until I have my own family. I know God wants to bless me with this but it's the one thing I won't let Him bless me with. My weight over the span on my life has effected so many different aspects. You couldn't begin to understand unless you were in my shoes. It's aggravating when someone tells me they know what I'm going through because they had a similar problem... unless they were also 100+ pounds overweight for a majority of their life, you have NO IDEA! A person that's grown up average weight and then put on muscle doesn't have a clue what the work is like to first drop 100 pounds. I know they put in the work to become more muscular but if you're addicted to food and first have to drop weight you just don't know what it's like and never will. The way a person that's addicted to food and the lifestyle of a person that's been average weight for their entire life, cannot be comprehended by either party. I've been working with a trainer for the past 5 months and have come to the conclusion that trainers just aren't going to give me the type of help I need. The type of help I need can only come from 1 person, MYSELF. The feeling of being broken at the center of my core has to be mended. The  thoughts that are always on my mind which blur out my positive conscience have to be tuned to a different channel. The way I comfort myself when doing good, with spending time with friends, when I'm happy, dealing with stress, when worried, when feeling depressed, have to change from eating to (something that has to be determined).

A talent I have is being able to predict what the future will bring. Not in a "fortune teller" type of way but in a way where I can see my ultimate goal and apply that toward the work I do today. It may not come for many years but I can see it coming to fruition. From now on I will remind myself that the reason I workout is for the prospect of one day having a family. If you could look at the core of my being you would see how impossible this seems. It feels like I'm trying to cross a fiery volcano using a broken bridge. It seems intimidating and impossible to do, people have even said don't try to cross because you'll only make it so far before coming back. To those people I say to them what Jesus told Satan in Matthew 16:23,

""Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.".