Friday, June 24, 2011


As we age we gain experience and knowledge. These pieces of information are what form us. Some of us miss typical experiences and other just experience a completely different culture. Not one of us are the same, not one of us think the same or look the same. We may share opinions but not in every area of our thought.

Uhhh, the stuff that's making me feel depressed right now are things I cannot talk about and it sux... I have no one to talk to and the people that want to listen I don't want them to hear.... what to do!

I want to believe that obtaining my goals will make me happy but I'm wondering if they actually will. What I want feels like it would only come true in a dream, not because I feel like it won't be reached but because I feel horror if it actually came true. Twisted isn't it? Well that's what I'm dealing with... a twisted mess. I need to realign the pieces to create a reality that works, not just one I may want.

Workin out is working out!

Couldn't think of a different title :oP

So I started out at weighing 328 pounds and now proud to say I'm at 284! That's a 44 pound loss! I can't believe I took that much off in only a little over 4 months! I guess that's about right but for someone that's always been overweight it seems like a huge milestone! Most of my body is still flabby but I can start to feel more of my forearms and biceps getting dense. I'm going to lose this weight and get in shape no matter what I have to do! I'm going to make sure I maintain a healthy diet, won't be starving myself. When I lost this weight previously the fad diet was basically starvation...
I think what's motivating me now is I just want to experience a solid body. I don't want any flab, anywhere! I wonder if it's even possible for my body to actually look good when this weight comes off... I guess I can't dwell on it too much just lose this weight and go from there I guess.
OMGawd, losing weight is such a mental battle! The feelings your body goes though because you're making it adjust to something new is tragic! Today I was feeling anger, depression and hate! I know this isn't how i normally feel, I just had to tell myself I can overcome these feelings, I am stronger. My body wants to just go home after work and veg but I forced myself to go to the gym. The gym helped release those feelings as well, which is a great thing!
I made a goal for next month of losing 16 pounds before August! So far it's going good, I'll be sooo happy if I meet this goal! It will put me at a 59 pound loss and at a weight of 269! I think back now to February and think of me stepping on that scale and weighing 328! I will never get to that weight again! So many more things are changing in my life just because of this loss already, I am so excited to get down to 190! Who knows what change that will make in my life!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Details on: Holes in Ireland and An Oven Full of Sweet Potatoes

So if you read the previous blog entry about my two dreams I had this morning, I feel these are some how connected to an actual experience I had and a dream from about 18 years ago.

I was sitting in my family room on the recliner, watching TV. My Dad was asleep and my mom hadn't come home from work yet. As I was watching TV I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, a white plastic bag from Universal Studios with E.T. on it was hanging from the back rest of the dining room chair. As I looked at the bag I noticed it was moving. The bag had something in it that I knew weighed it down enough to where a fan or draft from the A.C. could not be moving it. Yet as I watched, it was moving back and fourth. It freaked me out and I did nothing until my Mom came walking in. As she walked in, the bag stopped moving.

The reason I mention this is because that very same bag was the bag I has used to put the fruit my grandfather gave me in my dream from the previous blog entry.

And now for a dream I had about the same time, 18 years ago...

In the dream it seemed like my family was having a birthday party for me. All of my family from the Mattix side was over celebrating something. I can remember wanting to show my Grandfather and his friend some sort of item of mine. I want to say it was a medallion of some soft but I cannot remember, I mostly only remember what happened in this dream, not many specifics. In this dream it felt like it created a sense of history of dealing with this problem. The issue was, I felt an invisible force constantly tugging and pulling on me. No matter where I was this force could pull me in any way it wanted. It could grab my shirt sleeve or even arm and start pulling me away. I was so frightened by this force, I assumed it was a spirit or ghost doing this to me. For some reason I felt not only terrified of it but also embarrassed of it, I spent most of my time trying to ignore it.
So as I waled to my room to get this item i wanted to show everyone I felt this force start to mess with me. I got the item and went back to the family room and showed everyone. As I was showing it to everyone the force that was pulling me started to happen again. It was pulling my sleeve back toward the front of my house. What's weird is imagine someone actually pulling you by your sleeve. If you swing your arm in a circle you can make the person pulling it break away from you. So this is what I did while talking to everyone and making it look like I swang my arm in this way as part of me explaining what I was showing them. After doing this this force of being pulled left and didn't bother me again for a while.

What's so interesting about this dream is how it has come true in my life. No I'm not physically being pulled by the sleeve but mentally I sometimes deal with the same issue. I feel anxious and feel like I'm being sucked out of my life or like I can't experience it fully. I'm constantly being pulled back into my feeling of safety and not wanting to experience anything new. I sometimes have wondered if this dream was a sign of what I'd be dealing with in life.

Holes in Ireland and An Oven Full of Sweet Potatoes

Just the 2 titles of my dreams I just had, yes this is going to be a dream blog entry...

I would normally disregard these dreams as just being crazy random dreams but I've realized that you shouldn't take any dream lightly. I believe they all have a meaning.

Holes in Ireland:

I was riding in a power boat along a huge body of water in Ireland. At the beginning of the dream I didn't realize I was in Ireland. The person I was with was discussing a death of a young girl, I feel like there were 2 deaths but I know for sure there was a young girl. He said the death of this girl was claimed to be by a shark attack but for some reason he thought it was more than just a shark attack. He told me sharks have been known to be in these waters but because of some new holes he discovered in this water, he thought someone had been up to something. Apparently he knew the waters very well and upon discovering these holes he was shocked because of the depth of the holes and the man power it would take to create them.
Anyway, he took me to this area in the water where the water was very shallow, shallow enough to walk in. He showed me the 2 holes he discovered, these holes were about 75-100 feet in diameter. He told me this area he brought me to was once all flat and able to be walked across but now these holes appeared right near the time this girl died in the water. He lacked the technology to measure the depth of the hole but said by the blackness of the hole, he knew is was fairly deep.
That was all I can remember of that dream...

An Oven Full of Sweet Potatoes:

I dreamed that I was at my grandparents home and they were cooking a large dinner. I think one of my uncle's family was on the back porch, but not in the house.
I enter their house from the back door and then enter the kitchen and see one of them opening an oven full of sweet potatoes that were cut like cantaloupes but I knew they were skinned sweet potatoes. I can't remember much of speaking to them, now that I think about it I was pretty much just observing them, like I wasn't even there. Now that I am writing this I remembered why I entered the house from the back door. I got off the boat that I used in Ireland and docked at their home. Hmm weird how these 2 dreams felt completely different but now they are connected...
Well as I walked through their home and saw the sweet potatoes cooking (a good 3-4 racks of them cooking) I walked out of their front door. As I was leaving I knew my family was waiting for me to hop in the truck so we could leave. As I left though I saw a bag with E.T. on it that I got from Universal Studios, that I had used to put nectarines and other fruit my grandfather gave me. All the fruit that was in this bag was dumped right next to the wall of the house. I remember feeling bad that my grandfather gave me all this great fruit and I neglected it and just let all of this good fruit dump over and on their house. As I noticed this fruit just spilled out I looked over to my family waiting in the truck. The truck they were waiting in was my Dad's old Ford truck that he had from about 18-19 years ago. I also knew that my family was the same age of this truck was old to me. So my Dad, Mom and Sister were 19 years younger than I was in the dream. While they were waiting in the truck I heard an Adam Sandler Christmas radio special blaring from the truck. It sounded like on of Adam Sandler's movies but they were just listening to the audio. So I proceed to pick up the fruit and felt anxiety come over me. I felt like such a failure for letting this fruit dump on the ground and I felt like I let my Grandfather down as some of the fruit had also rotted now since I left it outside on the ground. The fruit took me a long time as well to pick up, I could only lift one piece at a time so I knew my family was probably getting impatient waiting on me. I thought of these things and that was the end.

Which will lead me to my next dreams which I had about 18-19 years ago.... right now I am in tears because I believe that somehow these dreams I just had are connected to dreams I had over 18 years ago...