Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Deep Sorrow

So the low carb dieting isn't going as well as it has. I've been staying up too late and not getting proper sleep. This leads into missing breakfast and rushing around in the morning. It also makes me feel depressed and ponder the meaning of doing this day to day life. I'll admit I feel like I want to give up on life sometimes and I don't know why I should really keep going. Someone told me to find my reason to keep going and stay motivated was to compare the things I like to do against the things I actually do. To be honest, the only thing I really like to do is watch a good show or movie. I do like to travel and experience new places but that's really the extent of things I like to do. Everything feels like a job, perhaps that's just depression making it feel that way, I don't really know any more.

I'm thinking about canceling my bootcamp membership. It's all done in a hot sticky (FL humidity) warehouse and it's really physically draining to just be in the heat. One of my motivators in losing weight was the hope of looking better and possibly getting into a relationship. I've come to realize though that losing weight isn't going to help me at all. I've always known this but just got reminded of it I suppose. The problem is the way I think about myself, as soon as I change my mentality and let myself get close to someone, a relationship will never happen. It's so hard to remain a positive and happy person when nothing in the world gives you much joy. I think about what I'll leave behind when I'm gone and that's also depressing, probably nothing will exist of me that someone will remember beyond my sibling's kids. How is a person supposed to stay active and lose weight when doing so requires determination, motivation and the help of something to be looking forward to?

How can I hate so much the hand I've been dealt in life and yet look at my life and think it's actually pretty decent? Do I just hate living? My mind and body have fought against each other for so long I feel like they're both done. Has my mind just always been in the wrong place? Can I create new world for myself solely due to a complete renovation of my mind? I feel like everything in my head needs to be dumped out, everything I have learned, the way I have grown, needs to be wiped from my mind and start all over with how I think and react.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

The spectrum of you

I feel pieces starting to loosen, the parts of me haven't been formed from the universe I'm in now. Fragments of different eras of my life are weakening and breaking. My conscience seems like an image reflected on a thin brittle piece of glass. Upon inspection I see it's weak and covering a void. I thought I knew how to fill the void but I'm wrong. I'm lost and confused. I don't know which was is up. I've exhaled all the air in my lungs but didn't notice which way the bubbles floated to the surface... Everything I need to exist, succeed and conquer, is in my back pocket. All I have to do is BE, stop searching for the surface, it's already here. The universe of which I dream of can only be created by myself alone, no one else can understand it or see it. The look of a blank stare can be viewed as an empty mind yet the person staring might be in a world of terror.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

I see your tears

Just something I was thinking about... after my grandfather passed away my grandmother with dementia couldn't understand where he went. She would ask us where he was and someone would tell her that he passed away and was in heaven but she just couldn't accept that he had passed away. She kept asking and it made me upset... She looked at me, saw my tears and I saw this expression of sorrow come over her. She stopped asking when that happened. I wonder if it was because she saw me upset or if she came to the realization that he was gone.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

I'm doing it!

Well I'm finally doing it again! I've started my journey on weightloss again. I Googled for a personal trainer and found one in Hudson close to home but rather than personal training sessions I'm working out with a group of people trying to lose 100 pounds in 6 months! Not too sure if I'll succeed with losing 100 pounds but I'm going to try my hardest! The most difficult part for me you was trying to stop the Cravings of sugar. I still have days that aren't too great but I just have to focus on not letting those snowball into something worse. What's been helping me a lot is going to a local restaurant that serves fresh healthy food at a decent price. One of the most difficult things with  losing weight is preparing your food and making sure you have the right choices in place. I've lost about 15 pounds so far and right now I am maintaining my weight but I'm trying to not focus on that number so strongly. I think what's happening is I'm gaining muscle and burning fat at the same time so my weight isn't fluctuating too much. I can definitely notice a difference in my clothing, pants button easier and shirts seeing a little looser. I can definitely tell I've gained more strength and some of the issues like heart palpitations aren't happening as much. I'm sure also being on my CPAP has definitely supported my progress, sleep is very important when trying to lose weight. Whenever I've dated in the past I've always thought of a particular goal in the future like being skinny and being able to wear normal clothing or maybe feeling more confident in myself but lately I've been thinking about and goals and it's kind of depressing not really having goals. I don't know I guess this whole process just affects my mentality, I think about my grandparents a lot still and how much they meant to me and not and having them, think about what else I should go on for. I'm doing this for myself though and although I may not know what the future will bring I do know that if I'm going to live it I'd rather live it more healthy and at a bodyweight where I'm able to move rather than feeling like a fat blob. So hopefully my next blog will be a little more positive and hopefully I'll wait a little bit less!