Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Deep Sorrow

So the low carb dieting isn't going as well as it has. I've been staying up too late and not getting proper sleep. This leads into missing breakfast and rushing around in the morning. It also makes me feel depressed and ponder the meaning of doing this day to day life. I'll admit I feel like I want to give up on life sometimes and I don't know why I should really keep going. Someone told me to find my reason to keep going and stay motivated was to compare the things I like to do against the things I actually do. To be honest, the only thing I really like to do is watch a good show or movie. I do like to travel and experience new places but that's really the extent of things I like to do. Everything feels like a job, perhaps that's just depression making it feel that way, I don't really know any more.

I'm thinking about canceling my bootcamp membership. It's all done in a hot sticky (FL humidity) warehouse and it's really physically draining to just be in the heat. One of my motivators in losing weight was the hope of looking better and possibly getting into a relationship. I've come to realize though that losing weight isn't going to help me at all. I've always known this but just got reminded of it I suppose. The problem is the way I think about myself, as soon as I change my mentality and let myself get close to someone, a relationship will never happen. It's so hard to remain a positive and happy person when nothing in the world gives you much joy. I think about what I'll leave behind when I'm gone and that's also depressing, probably nothing will exist of me that someone will remember beyond my sibling's kids. How is a person supposed to stay active and lose weight when doing so requires determination, motivation and the help of something to be looking forward to?

How can I hate so much the hand I've been dealt in life and yet look at my life and think it's actually pretty decent? Do I just hate living? My mind and body have fought against each other for so long I feel like they're both done. Has my mind just always been in the wrong place? Can I create new world for myself solely due to a complete renovation of my mind? I feel like everything in my head needs to be dumped out, everything I have learned, the way I have grown, needs to be wiped from my mind and start all over with how I think and react.

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