Wednesday, February 21, 2018

One of the funniest dreams I've had in awhile...

My cousin Faith and a few friends decided to visit foreign country. I stopped by my aunt Annette's and Uncle Paul's house to pick up Faith, while I was at their house Faith was telling me how Jason had something stolen from him again recently. I guess a few months prior to this dream, someone stole something valuable like his car, I forget what it was. Faith told me to guess what someone stole from him this time, I told her I had no idea and she answered his voodoo doll! I said oh my gosh how did that happen? She said well Jason had a radio channel party, hundreds of his friends visited aunt Annette and Uncle Paul's to listen to the radio. Well during this party someone apparently took his voodoo doll.

So my cousin faith and I leave and we drive an old beat-up pickup truck to the country we are visiting. We were taking these back roads that were real hilly, I was flying down the hills and as I was driving there was an anti gravity effect since I was going down hill so quickly. We were drinking sodas as we drove and holding the soda bottle caps in our hand, we realized if we let the cap go it would start floating! During my dream I didn't relate the anti gravity effect to how fast I was driving down hill, I just thought there was less gravity in the country we were in...

We finally get to our destination and check into our room, I called the few friends who also went and we decided that we would meetup and visit the beach. As Faith and I make our way to the beach I spot a little vendor outside the hotel that's selling theater style popcorn in a big bucket. So I buy a bucket of popcorn and by the time I get to the beach it's almost all gone. A friend asks to taste some popcorn and I tell her well there's only a few pieces left that you can have but I'm sure there's going to be another vendor on the beach that can refill it for us.
Before we all go into the water faith says she's going to stay behind to wear her Power Jacket. She said if anyone doesn't know what that means they can stay behind with her and she'll explain it to them but it could take an hour. I think it meant she was going to stay behind and smoke a cigarette, but I'm not sure.
So my friends and I start walking down to the beach and on our way there there's a concrete ramp that leads to the water. Where the concrete ended there were a few rocks we had to step down into. Sarah decides that she's going to jump from the concrete ramp onto the rocks in the water to avoid some oysters. As she's jumping I'm standing behind her and when she jumps she accidentally kicked me in the crotch. And that was my dream...

Thursday, February 15, 2018


As I lay here in bed trying to fall asleep I can't help but think of you, as I do many nights. I think of the months leading up to your passing and how you had to stay in that assisted living facility. I can't remember how many times I went to visit you there but I feel like it wasn't enough. I wish I could go back in time so badly and just spend every minute with you.
There are times when we have family get togethers and we are happy together but the thought of you not being there is always in the back of my mind. I never bring it up to other family because the truth is I'll just fall apart and I don't know how to deal with my emotions. It's been almost 4 years since you've been gone and I still have nights like tonight when I break down and act like I just heard you were no longer with us. I remember when my mom told me you passed, I was driving out of the parking lot of work. When she told me I said something simple like aww, that's too bad but I'm glad your no longer suffering. I was pretty silent after I said that and I think my mom thought I just didn't know what else to say but in reality I was holding back my tears and trying my best to not burst out crying.
I regret not seeing your body, it feels like I don't have closure knowing your really gone. I regret you passed alone, I wish I was by your side holding your hand. I hope the nurse that was with you or found you kept you comfort. I hate the fact of not being there with you because in the back of my mind I face terror not knowing if a nurse was good or mean to you. I hope you forgive me Nanny I don't know of I'll ever get over these feelings.

Monday, January 29, 2018

Winning the lottery

So here's my question, how would wining the lottery effect your life?

I'm going to add to this at a later date but I wanted to save this idea as I lay here trying to fall asleep.

Imagine having 500,000,000.00 that's half a trillion at your disposal. Would you share with family and friends? Would you quit your job? Would you help your community? Do you imagine yourself having better experiences or relationships with your friends and family?

Make a list of your life now with 500M, what would it look like? Are any of those experiences things the money would allow you to do but not actually require any cash to doing it? For example, would you feel compelled to visit a facility that helps the handicapped?

Make a list...

The kindness is gone

Before I write one of these blog posts a few things go through my mind, the first being, What can I write that might have an impact on others? The second thought is, how I'm going to censor myself for anyone who might be reading. I realize this is a public forum and the reason I write is for my first thought, perhaps I can impact someone. In reality I think I'm only doing this for me, perhaps when I'm gone people (family, friends?) can refer back to this to learn some more about my thoughts and who I was.

I'm realizing that when I lost my grandparents I think I lost the kindness in my life. The kindness and true sincerity of someone caring about me feels like it's gone. I think this has also effected the kindness I exude and it disappoints me. My intentions are to be a happy bubbly person who would do anything for anyone but the reality is, I'm not that way. A lot of people annoy me, family and friends. I get angry thinking about situations and that just seems to put me in a further funk. It feels like I've given up and I have to remind myself to be the person whose different. I want to be the person people love, not for them but because I want that feeling in return.

I don't know what would make me happy any more. I have the tendency to think of how I can make other people happy when I think about how to make myself happy. This is my people pleaser mentality and I'm not sure if I want to get rid of that? It's like I've had it all my life and I feel like my kindness is connected to that. If I were to let it go, would I be letting go of my kindness completely? Why does my happiness have to involve other people? I don't know if that's normal.

I just looked up some articles about happiness and found this,

According to the Urban Dictionary, a “hater” can be defined by:
A person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for.
A being that speaks badly, and/or takes negative actions in attempt to create problems for a successful person.
I have to admit that I am sometimes a "hater". I don't know if I get jealous. For instance someone gets a better paying job, one I could have but don't want. My actions from that person's perspectives probably aren't friendly ones. I stop communicating with them and this how ridiculous everything they do is. That sounds like jealousy to me but I don't understand why I am jealous? I just need to stop this and be happy for the person, so many of us default to jealousy and most are probably ignorant to it like myself.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

The Wrongly Interpreted Monster

You may have your sight but can believe what you're seeing? Sometimes we can make a "mountain out of a molehill" and the way this is done depends of our perspective on the subject. Well all have our opinions about things and the situations we face may seem simple to others but highly complex for us. If something can have such polar opposites whose to determine which of the sides is true? I think it's the person's perception the situation that determines how true something is.

You can idealize some one else's life and wish you had as much money and things as they do or you can be a person who makes a significant amount of money, owns many things and still feel unhappy thinking about something else you don't have. It almost seems as if we could just change our mindset we wouldn't have to want anything. Do you really need that new car? Are you just getting it to impress someone? Chances are that person may get jealous and just stop talking to you.

Anything of this world won't satisfy us and that's something I need to learn. It's nice to share experiences with others, those memories will last a life time. Life times are fleeting as it is...

No matter where I get in life or what I accomplish I don't think I'll ever truly be happy. No matter how much you try to do for others you'll never get the appreciation you expected in return. Nothing truly does matter in this life.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Someone better

Living through life you may gravitate towards those who may share similar interests as yourself or those who tend to have the same characteristics as yourself, or favor someone who you think has the most potential of fulfilling what you want.
However when the time comes and you need someone, that person you favored isn't there. Turns out they're exactly what you wanted them to be. Unfortunately you didn't know what you wanted nor what you needed. You were selfish and just wanted what you liked. The person you didn't favor was a person with a kind heart, a person who cared about you when you didn't accept us nor show us all too much love. Lucky for you that the person was someone better than you, a type of person you couldn't be, a type of person you never knew. A person you didn't know you needed until no one else was there. It's unfortunate that the person who want favored by you didn't receive your attention through life but that person is a person of people. They have a love of people that no one could kill, they may seem kind, innocent and gentle but on the flip side they would massacre all evil if your life depended on it.
Their life with you in it has effected them no doubt, love is difficult for them to understand and accept. However here they are still standing and caring.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Deep Sorrow

So the low carb dieting isn't going as well as it has. I've been staying up too late and not getting proper sleep. This leads into missing breakfast and rushing around in the morning. It also makes me feel depressed and ponder the meaning of doing this day to day life. I'll admit I feel like I want to give up on life sometimes and I don't know why I should really keep going. Someone told me to find my reason to keep going and stay motivated was to compare the things I like to do against the things I actually do. To be honest, the only thing I really like to do is watch a good show or movie. I do like to travel and experience new places but that's really the extent of things I like to do. Everything feels like a job, perhaps that's just depression making it feel that way, I don't really know any more.

I'm thinking about canceling my bootcamp membership. It's all done in a hot sticky (FL humidity) warehouse and it's really physically draining to just be in the heat. One of my motivators in losing weight was the hope of looking better and possibly getting into a relationship. I've come to realize though that losing weight isn't going to help me at all. I've always known this but just got reminded of it I suppose. The problem is the way I think about myself, as soon as I change my mentality and let myself get close to someone, a relationship will never happen. It's so hard to remain a positive and happy person when nothing in the world gives you much joy. I think about what I'll leave behind when I'm gone and that's also depressing, probably nothing will exist of me that someone will remember beyond my sibling's kids. How is a person supposed to stay active and lose weight when doing so requires determination, motivation and the help of something to be looking forward to?

How can I hate so much the hand I've been dealt in life and yet look at my life and think it's actually pretty decent? Do I just hate living? My mind and body have fought against each other for so long I feel like they're both done. Has my mind just always been in the wrong place? Can I create new world for myself solely due to a complete renovation of my mind? I feel like everything in my head needs to be dumped out, everything I have learned, the way I have grown, needs to be wiped from my mind and start all over with how I think and react.