Thursday, February 23, 2017

I see your tears

Just something I was thinking about... after my grandfather passed away my grandmother with dementia couldn't understand where he went. She would ask us where he was and someone would tell her that he passed away and was in heaven but she just couldn't accept that he had passed away. She kept asking and it made me upset... She looked at me, saw my tears and I saw this expression of sorrow come over her. She stopped asking when that happened. I wonder if it was because she saw me upset or if she came to the realization that he was gone.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

I'm doing it!

Well I'm finally doing it again! I've started my journey on weightloss again. I Googled for a personal trainer and found one in Hudson close to home but rather than personal training sessions I'm working out with a group of people trying to lose 100 pounds in 6 months! Not too sure if I'll succeed with losing 100 pounds but I'm going to try my hardest! The most difficult part for me you was trying to stop the Cravings of sugar. I still have days that aren't too great but I just have to focus on not letting those snowball into something worse. What's been helping me a lot is going to a local restaurant that serves fresh healthy food at a decent price. One of the most difficult things with  losing weight is preparing your food and making sure you have the right choices in place. I've lost about 15 pounds so far and right now I am maintaining my weight but I'm trying to not focus on that number so strongly. I think what's happening is I'm gaining muscle and burning fat at the same time so my weight isn't fluctuating too much. I can definitely notice a difference in my clothing, pants button easier and shirts seeing a little looser. I can definitely tell I've gained more strength and some of the issues like heart palpitations aren't happening as much. I'm sure also being on my CPAP has definitely supported my progress, sleep is very important when trying to lose weight. Whenever I've dated in the past I've always thought of a particular goal in the future like being skinny and being able to wear normal clothing or maybe feeling more confident in myself but lately I've been thinking about and goals and it's kind of depressing not really having goals. I don't know I guess this whole process just affects my mentality, I think about my grandparents a lot still and how much they meant to me and not and having them, think about what else I should go on for. I'm doing this for myself though and although I may not know what the future will bring I do know that if I'm going to live it I'd rather live it more healthy and at a bodyweight where I'm able to move rather than feeling like a fat blob. So hopefully my next blog will be a little more positive and hopefully I'll wait a little bit less!

Friday, November 11, 2016

In the end...

Well the 2016 election is over and Trump will be President of the United States of America! I've realized something from this recent election and that is, I don't give a shit about what people think of my opinions. My views and morals lean Right and I am proud of that! I am for LIFE and not murdering a child a few days before he or she is born. I didn't want a president that believes it's okay to lie to the American people.
I lost a few friends over my views and I'm sure a lot more quietly don't like me for them, possibly including some family and you know what, that's ok. To put it simply, the people who don't like me for it aren't close to me so I've lost nothing. If someone doesn't like my pro-life stance than so be it, leave.

I actually came here to write about something else but I guess this has turned political. Basically the overall message I wanted to get out is, BE WHO YOU ARE. Don't be afraid to step on toes or try to mold to the ideals of someone else. I have an issue with confidence in where I think everyone else it right and I'm probably wrong. Some people will act intelligent and confident that what they're speaking is truth until they get corrected or caught in a lie, then it's, I never said that or no this is what I meant... The only people they're fooling is their self. I saw a quote recently that I guess is from the Walking Dead...

The pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.

 I want to be more like a realist and see things for what they are. In the end I want to leave feeling that I was true to myself. I want strong loving relationships and I am also ok with people who despise me, it's a reminder that I took a solid stance on a topic someone else didn't agree with.

That's all for now!

Monday, October 3, 2016

My name is Mark, and this is another attempt...

I wish I were perfect and could say I apply my knowledge into daily practice. I'm tired of being overweight, literally. I feel like I need to blog my conditions so I don't forget where I came from. My feet always hurt when walking and especially after getting up from sitting down or laying. My face feels pressure when laying down from all of my fat moving upward and pressing against me. My lower back is in pain. I can barely bend over without the feeling of my heart skipping a beat or losing my breathe. All I want to do it lay down and sleep. I have sleep apnea which prevents me from getting good sleep. I can't shop for clothes in regular retail stores any more. I can't fit in rides at theme parks. I'm much more attractive when I weighed 200 pounds, even with the loose skin. Maintaining this weight is esentially giving up on life.

Life Goals

I usually discourage myself from writing when I'm feeling down but perhaps it good to so i can see a different side of my thought pattern... I'm contemplating the reason of my life. What am I living for, what do i want to accomplish with the rest of my time here on earth? I found an article titled, "How to set a goal when you don't know what you want" that's exactly how I feel right now. Even if we attain our dreams I believe there still comes a point where you feel, ok now what? Like you'll never be satisfied with anything. Part of that article listed goal ideas such as, becoming closer to your partner, working a job you love, owning your dream home, getting to a healthy weight... the list goes on, full of typical goals people wish for. I feel like I want something more, something about us humans. The human instinct of attaining these typical goals just isn't there for me, I don't know what I want out of this life! Nothing sounds exciting to work toward. I think what I'll have to settle for are just the typical things of life. I really need to plan more activities, sitting around the house on weekends is a major waste of time... Let's think of a list of things I'd enjoy...

  • Camping with family (do when it's cooler)
  • Swimming in a river or water park (do now during summer)
  • Visit Anclote island
  • Relax near a waterfall
  • Try to see family in Ohio more
  • This one should probably be #1, find a girlfriend, maybe start my own family? I think ultimately this will lead to the most fulfilling life. Sometimes I wonder if I would make a good boyfriend/husband, a good Father. I'm a loving person but there's a side of me that's also unloving and can easily lose interest. I don't know...
  • Create special experiences, what do I mean by this you ask? Well as a child I used to looooove Christmas time and going to my Grandmother's to see all of the animated Christmas figurines, munching on cookies, buckeyes, peanut butter fudge! Last Christmas when I lost 2 grandparents and while my Grandmother was pretty out of it, I just didn't feel the Christmas spirit. I didn't decorate or put up a Christmas tree, it was depressing. I need to realize that I should do this for not only myself but for others as well to spread the Christmas spirit, to create memories.
  • Print photographs of fun memories. I have a wall just waiting to be decorated with memories, get to printing them!!

Things I've accomplished:

  • Own a home that will be paid off in less than 12 years
  • Captured family video and created Blu-rays from both sides of my family. Although I wonder if either have actually sat down to watch any of it...
  • Have a job I love! I do admit there are times it's not so loving but as of right now I love the people I work with and I love the feeling of finishing a project, knowing I made something better for others.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Breaking the mold

As I begin another weight loss journey in my life I begin thinking of the type of life I will lead when I'm skinny, how much more fun and out going my life will be, how friends will always want to hang out with me. I'm not sure why I think these things will change, some things like the way you're treated by men and women are definitely different (been there once). In reality though to greatly effect your way of life I think there needs to be a mentality shift. The things we have become accustomed to need to be changed, the mold we based our lived around needs to shatter! Losing weight really is all in the mind, it's even more difficult doing this completely alone. I've been trying to work out with someone from work but I may look into using a trainer again. Having the person motivating you and someone to be accountable to is soo much help.

Weight loss was one of the reasons I bring up the topic of "breaking the mold" but another reason is because something else was bothering me. I was thinking about childhood and how I did more as a family. Back then my Dad just seemed a lot more outgoing, we'd go camping, travel to the family's cabin in N.C., play Mario Kart, football, baseball... now it just seems like we do nothing. Both of my parents are consumed with working, I'm not sure if it's for the extra couple of bucks or just to keep them busy with something.

Since all of my grandparents have passed, the shortness of this life just seems much more apparent to me. I literally lose my breathe when I think of them no longer being here. They were the people I could reside in, my maternal grandmother was also like a good friend. We'd see movies together, go out to eat, share some wild stories. Nanny was so intelligent and lived a colorful life with so many great experiences. I hate to think of all the lost memories and stories that went with her. I wish so much that she'd just come back. Sometimes I feel like I should've been there near the end with her more. I know she realizes I loved her but I wish I said it more, I wish I expressed it more. I wish this for all of my grandparents. I want them all back so badly... I'm different without them here. I care less about life some times but I'm doing my best to deal with it. The thing I need to remember most is to create new memories with those I still have around me. Try to give other people the joys my grandparents gave me.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Finally Letting It Out

There's something I've been wanting to talk about but I've been doing my absolute best at hiding it for the past 13 years. I fear that if people know, they'll think I'm inadequate. Part of the problem is this mindset I've created for myself with the belief that I have to be perfect. If I have something wrong with me I'll let many people down and eventually I'll be tossed to the side, ridiculed or people will think of me as being helpless. I know this won't actually happen with most people but these are the thoughts I've created for myself.

The demon I struggle with is STUTTERING. I usually don't repeat syllables I have a problem with blocking. Blocking is when you go to say a word but it just doesn't come out. As a work around I will use the "uh" sound to start a word or simply use word substitution. I try my best at not letting this control my life but I admit that sometimes my decisions to converse with people or be in large groups is effected by it. Certain situations also effect my blocking, if I have to speak to a superior, if the person for whatever reason intimidates me, confrontations, speaking in front of people, talking on the phone, the need to state a title before someone's name, different situations have different effects...

So far I've been able to live a pretty normal life dealing with this but some days are A LOT worse than others. It can be excruciatingly unbearable at times but this is the life I live... I don't mind talking about this in person but all I ask is that you DON''T feel sympathy for me.

The reason I'm posting this is to perhaps help myself come to terms with my imperfection. Sometimes if I'm not talkative I think people tend to think I don't like them. It's unfair to some people in my life because they might never understand this about me. I've met and worked with some wonderful people but if I perceive them as intimidating then I usually break communication off with them, for the fact of having anxiety and blocking when speaking to them.

This whole stuttering thing is what I was actually referring to when I wrote about a dream 5 years ago, you can read it here: That dream was a perfect representation of what it feels like having to deal with stuttering. If you have any questions feel free to leave them here, I need to work on opening up on talking about this.