Tuesday, July 18, 2017
I'm thinking about canceling my bootcamp membership. It's all done in a hot sticky (FL humidity) warehouse and it's really physically draining to just be in the heat. One of my motivators in losing weight was the hope of looking better and possibly getting into a relationship. I've come to realize though that losing weight isn't going to help me at all. I've always known this but just got reminded of it I suppose. The problem is the way I think about myself, as soon as I change my mentality and let myself get close to someone, a relationship will never happen. It's so hard to remain a positive and happy person when nothing in the world gives you much joy. I think about what I'll leave behind when I'm gone and that's also depressing, probably nothing will exist of me that someone will remember beyond my sibling's kids. How is a person supposed to stay active and lose weight when doing so requires determination, motivation and the help of something to be looking forward to?
How can I hate so much the hand I've been dealt in life and yet look at my life and think it's actually pretty decent? Do I just hate living? My mind and body have fought against each other for so long I feel like they're both done. Has my mind just always been in the wrong place? Can I create new world for myself solely due to a complete renovation of my mind? I feel like everything in my head needs to be dumped out, everything I have learned, the way I have grown, needs to be wiped from my mind and start all over with how I think and react.
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Just something I was thinking about... after my grandfather passed away my grandmother with dementia couldn't understand where he went. She would ask us where he was and someone would tell her that he passed away and was in heaven but she just couldn't accept that he had passed away. She kept asking and it made me upset... She looked at me, saw my tears and I saw this expression of sorrow come over her. She stopped asking when that happened. I wonder if it was because she saw me upset or if she came to the realization that he was gone.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Well I'm finally doing it again! I've started my journey on weightloss again. I Googled for a personal trainer and found one in Hudson close to home but rather than personal training sessions I'm working out with a group of people trying to lose 100 pounds in 6 months! Not too sure if I'll succeed with losing 100 pounds but I'm going to try my hardest! The most difficult part for me you was trying to stop the Cravings of sugar. I still have days that aren't too great but I just have to focus on not letting those snowball into something worse. What's been helping me a lot is going to a local restaurant that serves fresh healthy food at a decent price. One of the most difficult things with losing weight is preparing your food and making sure you have the right choices in place. I've lost about 15 pounds so far and right now I am maintaining my weight but I'm trying to not focus on that number so strongly. I think what's happening is I'm gaining muscle and burning fat at the same time so my weight isn't fluctuating too much. I can definitely notice a difference in my clothing, pants button easier and shirts seeing a little looser. I can definitely tell I've gained more strength and some of the issues like heart palpitations aren't happening as much. I'm sure also being on my CPAP has definitely supported my progress, sleep is very important when trying to lose weight. Whenever I've dated in the past I've always thought of a particular goal in the future like being skinny and being able to wear normal clothing or maybe feeling more confident in myself but lately I've been thinking about and goals and it's kind of depressing not really having goals. I don't know I guess this whole process just affects my mentality, I think about my grandparents a lot still and how much they meant to me and not and having them, think about what else I should go on for. I'm doing this for myself though and although I may not know what the future will bring I do know that if I'm going to live it I'd rather live it more healthy and at a bodyweight where I'm able to move rather than feeling like a fat blob. So hopefully my next blog will be a little more positive and hopefully I'll wait a little bit less!
Friday, November 11, 2016
I lost a few friends over my views and I'm sure a lot more quietly don't like me for them, possibly including some family and you know what, that's ok. To put it simply, the people who don't like me for it aren't close to me so I've lost nothing. If someone doesn't like my pro-life stance than so be it, leave.
I actually came here to write about something else but I guess this has turned political. Basically the overall message I wanted to get out is, BE WHO YOU ARE. Don't be afraid to step on toes or try to mold to the ideals of someone else. I have an issue with confidence in where I think everyone else it right and I'm probably wrong. Some people will act intelligent and confident that what they're speaking is truth until they get corrected or caught in a lie, then it's, I never said that or no this is what I meant... The only people they're fooling is their self. I saw a quote recently that I guess is from the Walking Dead...
The pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.
I want to be more like a realist and see things for what they are. In the end I want to leave feeling that I was true to myself. I want strong loving relationships and I am also ok with people who despise me, it's a reminder that I took a solid stance on a topic someone else didn't agree with.
That's all for now!
Monday, October 3, 2016
- Camping with family (do when it's cooler)
- Swimming in a river or water park (do now during summer)
- Visit Anclote island
- Relax near a waterfall
- Try to see family in Ohio more
- This one should probably be #1, find a girlfriend, maybe start my own family? I think ultimately this will lead to the most fulfilling life. Sometimes I wonder if I would make a good boyfriend/husband, a good Father. I'm a loving person but there's a side of me that's also unloving and can easily lose interest. I don't know...
- Create special experiences, what do I mean by this you ask? Well as a child I used to looooove Christmas time and going to my Grandmother's to see all of the animated Christmas figurines, munching on cookies, buckeyes, peanut butter fudge! Last Christmas when I lost 2 grandparents and while my Grandmother was pretty out of it, I just didn't feel the Christmas spirit. I didn't decorate or put up a Christmas tree, it was depressing. I need to realize that I should do this for not only myself but for others as well to spread the Christmas spirit, to create memories.
- Print photographs of fun memories. I have a wall just waiting to be decorated with memories, get to printing them!!
Things I've accomplished:
- Own a home that will be paid off in less than 12 years
- Captured family video and created Blu-rays from both sides of my family. Although I wonder if either have actually sat down to watch any of it...
- Have a job I love! I do admit there are times it's not so loving but as of right now I love the people I work with and I love the feeling of finishing a project, knowing I made something better for others.