Sunday, April 3, 2016

Finally Letting It Out

There's something I've been wanting to talk about but I've been doing my absolute best at hiding it for the past 13 years. I fear that if people know, they'll think I'm inadequate. Part of the problem is this mindset I've created for myself with the belief that I have to be perfect. If I have something wrong with me I'll let many people down and eventually I'll be tossed to the side, ridiculed or people will think of me as being helpless. I know this won't actually happen with most people but these are the thoughts I've created for myself.

The demon I struggle with is STUTTERING. I usually don't repeat syllables I have a problem with blocking. Blocking is when you go to say a word but it just doesn't come out. As a work around I will use the "uh" sound to start a word or simply use word substitution. I try my best at not letting this control my life but I admit that sometimes my decisions to converse with people or be in large groups is effected by it. Certain situations also effect my blocking, if I have to speak to a superior, if the person for whatever reason intimidates me, confrontations, speaking in front of people, talking on the phone, the need to state a title before someone's name, different situations have different effects...

So far I've been able to live a pretty normal life dealing with this but some days are A LOT worse than others. It can be excruciatingly unbearable at times but this is the life I live... I don't mind talking about this in person but all I ask is that you DON''T feel sympathy for me.

The reason I'm posting this is to perhaps help myself come to terms with my imperfection. Sometimes if I'm not talkative I think people tend to think I don't like them. It's unfair to some people in my life because they might never understand this about me. I've met and worked with some wonderful people but if I perceive them as intimidating then I usually break communication off with them, for the fact of having anxiety and blocking when speaking to them.

This whole stuttering thing is what I was actually referring to when I wrote about a dream 5 years ago, you can read it here: That dream was a perfect representation of what it feels like having to deal with stuttering. If you have any questions feel free to leave them here, I need to work on opening up on talking about this.