Nanny

As I lay here in bed trying to fall asleep I can't help but think of you, as I do many nights. I think of the months leading up to your passing and how you had to stay in that assisted living facility. I can't remember how many times I went to visit you there but I feel like it wasn't enough. I wish I could go back in time so badly and just spend every minute with you.
There are times when we have family get togethers and we are happy together but the thought of you not being there is always in the back of my mind. I never bring it up to other family because the truth is I'll just fall apart and I don't know how to deal with my emotions. It's been almost 4 years since you've been gone and I still have nights like tonight when I break down and act like I just heard you were no longer with us. I remember when my mom told me you passed, I was driving out of the parking lot of work. When she told me I said something simple like aww, that's too bad but I'm glad your no longer suffering. I was pretty silent after I said that and I think my mom thought I just didn't know what else to say but in reality I was holding back my tears and trying my best to not burst out crying.
I regret not seeing your body, it feels like I don't have closure knowing your really gone. I regret you passed alone, I wish I was by your side holding your hand. I hope the nurse that was with you or found you kept you comfort. I hate the fact of not being there with you because in the back of my mind I face terror not knowing if a nurse was good or mean to you. I hope you forgive me Nanny I don't know of I'll ever get over these feelings.