Distorted

What came first, the distorted thoughts or the physical deterioration... I watched the A&E series HEAVY tonight and it got me thinking (or maybe the Captian Morgan that I drank to help me sleep). The people on the show have distorted ways of thought. They turn to food for comfort and I too see myself doing the same. They've had issues in their life that have traumatized them into gaining weight, I wonder what happened to me? I can't even go to the gym for longer than a week... they go to the gym to survive. I haven't gotten to that point of knowing I need to go to survive but I'm on that road, that's for sure...

I'm imaging what I'll be like when I get fit and have more self confidence. I see greater pain to be truthful... I have my reasons but I also have a desire for this pain... the pain that people have caused me. Pain of neglect, taken for granted, not being accepted. All pains I've felt for a long time and plan to turn the tables on, not out of resentment but out of only feeling these things and not knowing differently. I want to start living for myself and not for ANYONE else. At the same time, I also deeply desire someone who yearns to need me. Not only in a sexual way but in a way of every aspect of their life. That person will also know this same feeling of pain and not take anything for granted but be thanking God everyday they have me near them. As the feeling will also be mutual for that person from me.

Being overweight has taken it's toll on my mind. It has distorted my core mental processes and I wonder if it will ever be within the range or someone normal. You know no matter what happens I believe The Lord knows who I am. I leave myself in The Lord's hands. He knows the path I should take and I feel he'll lead me in that direction. Perhaps what I think is distorted is actually just allowing me to learn the way Humans think...