Just some thoughts...

I have to learn to just let people flap their jaw because in the end you can't change a person, only offer your opinion and views and hope it may sink in. I've never been perfect and some times I fear of being judged one day for things I'm not happy about doing. On the flip side though I'm glad we'll all be judged because some people... hmm do they deserve it, idk. If they're truly wrong and become punished for it I'm sorry they never realized the Truth. I guess I shouldn't have the feelings of wanting revenge, that doesn't help them or myself in the end. All you can really do right now is show love, no matter how bad you might be treated, it doesn't matter.

I've had some dreams lately and they got me thinking... not about the dream itself but just of dreams in general. I used to offer up all my dreams to anyone but the more I think of them I'm realizing a dream is the deepest route to our sub-conscience. Anywayz... until next time.

Wow, it's been a while...

Hey, still here, alive and kickin! Started my new job and loving it! I don't have much time to talk here, just wrote quite a long blog elsewhere. I've been pretty stressed lately, I needed an outlet that kept me anonymous. Anywayz hope you're all doing well, whomever reads this that is...

Creating A Restore Point

A plan B, another option we can fall back on if other ventures don't pan out. Applicable not only on our Windows operating system (if you're not into IT you probably didn't consider that) but in our life. I'm sure we all have realized this before and have contingency plans set up to secure us. I ask tonight though, besides creating restore points, why not create "destination points" you may be thinking, those are called goals! Not necessarily a goal... A "destination point" is more vital in our life than just a goal. It's a point we have no other option than needing to arrive at. Perhaps create imaginary "destination points" in our life by analyzing our current track and avoid the path we don't wish to be on at all costs.

I suppose this makes more sense in my head as it probably does for you... but it's basically not doing something to reach a goal instead of only thinking of what we have to do to reach a goal. I want to reach my goal of 250 by Christmas, I know I am not going to eat that piece of cake and I know I am not going to feel tired after work to only go home and veg on the sofa!

What if I could look a month into the future and realize that the squeaking sound coming from my front driver's side wheel was an issue that would cause my tire to fall off while driving on a major highway, causing me to be killed. Sounds silly, and it's only a theory but who's to say it won't happen? That squeaking will inevitably lead to an issue if not resolved, so who knows what the issue will be? If I was certain that the accident would happen I would be doing everything right now in my power to make sure it never got that bad. That determination of doing whatever it takes to divert a situation is what I am thinking of calling a "destination point" doing anything in your power to prevent an inevitable situation in your life.

Perhaps some people just don't realize they're current destination points on their life, while others can see them clearly? They are undoubtedly there and yet it's not motivating them to divert the situation? Does this mean they've given up on life?

P.S. Been a while since I've blogged! I have been wanting to write about a few things but usually just change my mind at the last minute... Hope all is well!

The Marxter

I've been watching the show Dexter lately, partially because I've had a cold for the past week and multiple friends tell me how good it is and how much I'd like it! It's about a friggin psychopath murderer who thinks he's doing the world good by murdering people! What made my friends think I would like such a show!!? I don't know who they think I am but they sure do know me! I love it!!! lol... I'm not here to talk about the the reasoning or thought pattern of a serial killer, only to talk about how similar I feel to Dexter...
The way he has to live a double life and not let anyone in. It's not really something he chooses to do but something he's been hardwired to live by. I hate that I feel so much a like but I don't believe there's a way to change. I'll let people get close but eventually I find a way to push them a way. Perhaps I fear they'll just leave any way so I shorten the stay... idk. I'm oil that just doesn't mix with water it seems. The worse thing is, is that living like this used to be harder but now it's something I'm accustomed to. If I truly let someone in, I'm not sure to as how long they'd stay. Anyway, now time for a random dream I had!


I was on my Grandparent's dock, I was with my sister and nephew. My sister was up in my grandparent's backyard on the concrete that divides their yard. For some reason I let my 3 year old nephew go and run to her. As he was running a long the seawall he got too close to the edge and fell off into the water. I remember right after letting him go, as he was half way across the seawall, that he was going to fall in. I was frozen on the dock knowing this and just waiting, thinking, hoping I was wrong. He fell in and right before I jump in the water I think that my phone is going to get ruined. --Now I have quite a few crazy intense horrific dreams and to tell you the truth they don't bother me. What bothered me mostly about this dream is that I thought about my phone before jumping in the water. --Back to the dream... The thought of my phone races through my mind but I ignore it and jump in. I see my sister screaming and about to jump into the water but decided not to since I was already diving down for him. All I remember is being thankful the tide wasn't higher than is was and in mid swim to the bottom I forced myself awake, knowing that this was not reality.


I wonder some times if I think about things, things around me, things that normally your sub-conscience may pick up on but you never realize, too much. In my opinion, it seems pretty intricate that in my dream I analyzed the height of the water to the seawall and determined what the depth of the water was. I knew if it was a high tide that there probably wasn't a chance that I could make it to the bottom. I also thought to myself that no matter what, I could not live with myself if I didn't come back up with my nephew in my arms. I would have undoubtedly swam as far as I could even if I didn't have the breathe... 


I'm thinking about Dexter again and how in his every day life he is one of the nicest people to know. Brings donuts pretty often to work for everyone to enjoy and never seems to turn anyone down that asks for help, even if he was in the middle of killing someone. It's like he is the perfect definition of night and day. Although in his mind he only lives to make people happy. He only kills to make sure no one else gets hurt, at least so far through season 2 that is... I guess what I need to work on more is being prepared on going in for the kill. Obviously not literally, but learn how to continue being Mr. nice guy while at the same time not changing a beat when the situation requires. Instead of feeling inferior and anxious surprise them by being unusually calm and confident in the time of quarrel.

Anywayz enough about that stuff! I'm on about day 7 of having this cold and feel like it'll be completely gone by day 9. 3 days of coming, 3 days of residence and 3 days leaving! It sux because I haven't been to the gym in a good week but there's no way I could have worked out feeling like I do. I really want to hit my goal of weighing 250 by Christmas! It would be amazing to take a snowboarding trip early next year or perhaps the next winter... probably have to shoot for next winter considering the need of getting out of debt. Which I have been doing better at lately too. Well not actually paying it off, need to still send a large payment in but doing better with making stupid purchases. Before i by something I think about the actual material and time spent and who made the item before I purchase it. I'm trying to think before I buy, imagine that... Hopefully by this time next year I'll only have my car debt! And hopefully weigh under 200 pounds! It makes me excited thinking about it because I know how quickly a year passes, I've been blogging over a year which blows my mind! August 13th is when I started. Funny how i never really intended to keep going with this but it's nice being able to release me thoughts and who I am to the world and so far not having much response back from it. If people like reading about me and who I am than I'm happy with that. I know people are too because I see stats that people are specially googling me by searching, "mp3markel blogspot" anywayz, I'm outta here! I sure hope next year I'll be writing a blog on how I am under 200 pounds...

Addiction quickie...

Perhaps I'm addicted to food... I never really thought I was but I am wondering if I'm addicted or perhaps it's only just a habit right now. What determines an addiction from a habit though...? I am wondering this because I am currently not hungry and I have a sinus cold that has prevented me from tasting and smelling. Even though I am not hungry and I can't taste I am still craving a snack late at night! I just ate half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and realized, why am I eating this, I can't even taste it! I need to find a way to break this addiction some how and stick to it whenever I feel these cravings! It's ridiculous on what I eat only when my mind craves food and I'm not actually hungry... and now time for sleep!

Demonic

My demons = Debt, bad eating choices, and the internet

I've probably mentioned this before in previous blogs but it's been a while and this is on my mind, imagine that, right! I absolutely hate not being able to live a life and feeling free from worrying on making enough money to pay bills. ESPECIALLY when the bills are for department store accounts for merchandise you can't even remember purchasing. Now I know mostly of what purchases caused my debt but there is some that I haven't the clue since the debt is probably 6+ years old now...
The good thing is I have come to realize just how evil debt is, it's unfortunate it took me this long but luckily I am not in much debt so working my way out won't be too bad as other people may have it.
I was talking to a friend that recently paid his credit card debt off and he felt frustrated that he had to go back into more debt for his family. His parents are up to their eyeballs in debt (as so many people are nowadays) and could not afford to fly out to be with family at a brother's funeral. This is the real world effect and travesty of debt! If it weren't for my friend having the ability to purchase the flight, his father would have missed his brother's funeral! Being in debt and not being prepared for the unexpected is a terrible way to live through this short life of ours.
As I was saying though, I think I have finally realized this demon of debt and have a plan and motivation to get out of debt and to stay out of debt. I'm glad I realized this now rather than realizing it at 50 years old.

As far as the other 2 demons, bad eating choices and the internet... I have a goal set to lose 35 pounds by christmas to put my weight at 250 and a total of a 78 pound loss! The reason of stating the internet as a demon is becuase it keeps me up too late at night. I'm working on shutting down the computer and going to sleep before 11! Staying up til 2-3 in the morning for the past 3 years is over, my body has felt the effects! Once I get a good month of sleep I'll be anxious to post the results and how it has changed the way I feel. I know I've said this before but this time it's happening! Anywayz, gotta get outta here! Good night blogger universe!

9/11 - 10 Years Past

It's been a while since I've posted a blog. I haven't forgotten or hadn't had time, just been mulling over ideas of what I want to post. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to open up to everyone and expose myself to anyone reading. I guess I continue because I've decided that I don't give a crap of what people think of me. If people don't like it then stop reading, it's simple.

So I woke up pretty early this morning, earlier than I intended to for a day off... I am glad to be given another day though. Today is September 11th 2011, 10 years since the attacks on America. I get teary eyed seeing those families mourn their loved ones, and anger when thinking of the people that did this and can't help myself but to look at conspiracy videos on Youtube that question if the government had any part in this. The questions and evidence they raise only brings one to question it. I don't think it's un-American to question because I honestly don't trust this government. Questioning if the government had a role does not disrespect those lost, or the service men and woman that gave their lives. It only signals my deep desire rooted in my heart to make sure that those ALL who had a part in the attack pay for what they did with their lives. The death of Osama was an accomplishment but still leaves a feeling that there are more people accountable whom are still alive.

Every anniversary of 9/11 makes me feel an assortment of feelings, mostly that I haven't gotten my personal feeling of satisfaction for revenge. I guess it's a feeling that lingers with all Americans whom experience a tragedy like this one or any of the wars America has been through. The terrorists thought they'd put a crack in America but instead only made us stronger as a nation. I do question if they succeeded in damaging our economy... Not something anyone wants to admit but because of this war, the economy has suffered. We will rebuild and eventually be financially strong again.

You know 9/11 was a defining moment, it hasn't damaged America as a nation but I believe did significantly put America on a different route pre-9/11. I am leaving for now but perhaps I will come back to this conversation at a later time.