Nothing to Compare

About a week ago I was talking to a personal trainer I've been working out with, discussing how someone can weigh a significant amount, lose the weight and still consider themselves overweight? I was curious because back in 2003 my highest weight was 283 and eventually I got down to 202, yet when I weighed 202 I didn't consider myself skinny. I still had the mentality that people thought I was fat, I knew I was skinny because my waist was a size 34 and I literally felt smaller. My body changed but my mind was still 283 pounds.
Today I saw this meme posted to Facebook from the show, Bates Motel. It's referencing how Norman Bates is "different" (insane) and he doesn't realize it because he's never been normal to know what it feels like. This got me thinking... I have always wondered about people like myself whom couldn't grasp the fact that they were skinny and also someone like a body builder that continually strives to get big. When do we tell ourselves, We reached our goals!!! When I lost weight it was never enough, if I wasn't trying to diet and lose weight than it meant I was getting fat. When do we create a balance and say, we can maintain this, we no longer have to work on becoming something, we are already something!
There are different realms to this feeling. Perhaps a person is depressed because no matter what he does he just feels less than everyone else, he thinks he's stupid! Thing is, he's actually very intelligent and doesn't know he's intelligent because he's never truly been dumb in order to know what intelligence feels like. He's always been smart but fears being dumb because he doesn't know how to identify the state of being dumb. In this regard, referring to the mind, there would be no way for this person to erase his intelligence, once you're educated there's no way you can "unlearn" something. You might forget something over time but the state of once being educated is still there and a quick review usually brings this information back to light.
Yet with weight loss, our mind has been programmed to be "fat", is it possible to "unlearn" what the feeling of fat is? We want to be skinny but we can't identify the state of "being skinny" so in our minds we will never be skinny. What makes things complicated is, an intelligent person reads and studies to make his mind intelligent. As I said before, you can't "unread" or "unstudy" something to make yourself dumb. When it comes to body weight, usually a person with a sedentary lifestyle and bad diet become fat BUT this can be undone! We can become active and change our diet which will result in us becoming skinny! Thing is, our mind isn't matching the same weight loss as our bodies! We've ingrained FAT into out minds and can't unlearn it!

That is why I eventually told my trainer, I believe my first step to a lifetime of weight loss is first accepting that I'm fat. Learn to first love who and what you are and don't be so critical of your weight! My mind will always be fat but if I love and accept being fat, perhaps this won't cause so much stress and depression? Perhaps I'll be able to meet someone and have a life? Perhaps I'll get happy and not turn to food any more for comfort or enjoyment, perhaps I can stop letting my consciousness rule my life.

PERHAPS EVERYTHING WE WANT TO BE, WE ALREADY ARE?

Who am I?

What creates me, what creates you? Our choices. I may have spoke about this in a recent blog, if not it was something I've been thinking of and realize now that I was right. We own nothing in the world. Everything we hold dear will turn to dust, think of that. The things we fight and kill over will turn to dust. The thing that defines us here and after will be our choices. As I've spoken about before, our lives are like a huge maze that we are navigating while on this earth. Eventually our choices will be all we have left and judged upon.

In the midst of the Boston bombings and the fertilizer explosion in Texas there's been an evil lurking in the shadows. There is currently a trial being held for Kermit Gosnell, an abortion doctor that murdered at least 14 babies that were born alive. I believe the life begins at conception but according to the law he can only be guilty of the murders he performs while the babies were outside the womb, breathing. Abortion is a deeper kind of evil, more so than terrorism. America has evolved into a society where some of us cheer on the choice of allowing mothers to kill their unborn (and sometimes born) babies. The law even allows these hanis acts which allows people like Kermit to perform the murders.

I'm not here to talk about abortion, I'm here to speak of the pure evilness that is woven in the fabric of America. Good loving people are defined as being accepting of abortion, homosexual marriage, acceptance of a deceitful religion named Islam. Just a few things that go very strongly against God, most of what America wants us to accept and embrace. You may be too blinded by these people to realize that based on these decisions we are corrupting a once Godly nation. These choices are not pleasing to God and I wonder, if God realizes this nation is becoming corrupt and no longer wants Him in our lives, why would he change the course of the choices we've made? He is a loving God, but if we despise Him and turn to Satan that's a choice we've made. I struggle with sin but I pray that God still knows my heart.

Sometimes I wonder, do I know God enough? Have I read His word enough? Am I part of a religion that will get me into Heaven? The answer to those questions is, No. I will never know God enough, I will never study His word enough and a religion won't save you, if anything it may just corrupt you. So what do we do then? Well we seek God. We read His word and understand it as well as we can, we attend church to listen to views of His word and to socialize with other's about His word. When we have this information a relationship begins to form with God. We don't live blindly by what a religion says, we live by God whom lives within us. Once we have this strong relationship with God and with rational thought of what God wants for us we can then see through the mess of this world. We can see the deceit put in front of us by satan, we will realize that God is loving yet strong. God gave us freedom of choice since he loves us so much. He didn't create robots to serve Him, He created us with the loving ability to make, CHOICES.

Being Human

I just finished the British series Being Human. All 5 season of the show were amazing, even when the entire cast changed in season 4 through 5. I like many other TV shows like Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and Dexter (among many others) but I have never felt so attached to the characters as I have in Being Human. I was wondering what draws me to this show and realized it's the relationships of the characters.
I don't really have many friendships to compare to each other but I always imagined and group of friends similar to those of Being Human. I feel like the closest friends to me never truly valued knowing me. I gave my heart to them and often found myself having to hold it back. I give too much of myself to people and it's never been returned. I'm not saying it's their fault but I don't know how much to give any more so end up holding it all back. Perhaps it's all just sensationalized writing and in fact no one really has relationships like that but why not? Perhaps I already have it and I'm over looking it... No one will fit the mold perfectly so I suppose you better make sure you hold on to what you do have. Perhaps my thoughts are distorted and I'm trying to render myself to a person rather than to God...

Rise

It's 12:09 a.m. Easter Sunday. Remembering how the Lord arouse from the grave coincides with what's been on my mind lately. For far too long I've been held down and burdened, I've let material things in this life consume me. I've let other people live my life, I'm happy to say that I'm changing. I've come to accept that our bodies are only vessels. They are vessels to get through this life which will determine our eternity. Nothing we work so hard for, our money in the bank or our prized possessions that are under lock and key, will come with us when we're dead. The only thing that will come with us from this earth are the choices we've made.

What if the people who can't take the time to give us a look or a simple hello, knew that their time was up. What if the people who have spent their lives building their body, knew tomorrow they would die. What if the families in sorrow and bitterness knew that tomorrow wouldn't come. What if the dreams you have could only be obtained tomorrow? What would they, what would you, do today? At the end you'll see that everything passed so quickly.

It scares me to think of how much time I've wasted on the things that will pass with this world and so little time I've spent on ensuring that my soul is on the path for Heaven.

2013 - Another Year Gone

2012 has flown by! Seems like it was only a few days ago that I started my new job working in I.T. as a Network Analyst. I was so unaware of what to expect, especially since this was a field I dreamed about getting into and didn't have any experience. It's amazing how much I have learned and accomplished in just this year. I thank God for putting my life on a better path than what it was on in 2011.

So I don't want to make this a post about a New Year's Resolution but that's what it's probably going to turn into... If we don't make ourselves goals though then what do we have to work toward? In 2013 I hope to own a home! I've been looking online a lot lately at various websites and right now am thinking of living near the Lutz area. I'm afraid of the center of Pasco and Hernando having issues with Sinkholes so I figure it might be best to live outside the counties or at least on the outskirts of them. Then I also want to lose weight, typical I know but I've gained probably all my weight back after starting the new job and in order to be on track for a few life goals by 30 I need to have a significant amount of weight off in 2013. After Christmas of this yeah I came down with your standard type of head cold and although it might sound strange it gave me some insight to myself. During the time of being sick I could not taste or smell, this is usually standard for my colds. I realized, even though I couldn't taste I was still going for the Christmas left over sweets. I guess I thought I was just craving the taste of things or perhaps didn't eat healthy because of the taste but I'm wondering now if that's true. Why did I continue eating junk food when I knew I couldn't taste it. The ultimate question which also relates to many other things I need to fix in my life is,  Why can't I control my mind? Any random thought about myself that comes into my mind automatically gets processed and acted upon, there's no filtering of thoughts being done. I know this problem has existed now for a few years but perhaps this year will be the year I conquer it.

Now for the tangible list of goals this year:

• Workout at least 4 times a week, aim for 5
• Motivate myself to stick with a workout routine, without a trainer!
• Weigh 230LBs or less
• Own a home
• Become a Cisco Certified Networking Professional
• Start my studies with WGU for a Bachelor's in Network Security

I really hope when 2014 comes around I can check everything off on this list! That's all for now, I hope you too complete all of your goals for the new year ahead! Happy New Year!  -Mark

Back at it...

I'm uneasy about posting private things of myself online any more. When I created this blog I knew that anything I write here could potentially be stored for my lifetime and anyone could read it. It feels easy to just write anything here but I have to remind myself that this is view-able by the world and people I don't feel comfortable dropping my guard with may be reading something that I feel vulnerable about. I'm not sure where my future will lead me but I want to make sure nothing comes back to bite me in the ass as well!

So why did I write this? Perhaps it's just to remind you (and myself) that I know you're reading!

Actually I'm thinking of things I want to say and I can't... perhaps this will be my final post. Perhaps this is indeed my final post. The things I'd like to express are too painful and I know there's no one out there that is compassionate enough. I feel we're all creatures of selfishness and that's ok, I'll leave here now and deal with the issues and you won't hear any more of it. Perhaps if I don't give the problems any thought they won't exist? Silly you think but it's true. Our mind controls so much more then you've ever imagined. I believe we can heal ourselves with meditation of how we want ourselves to be in this world.

One day I'll come back here to tell you it's all different, that my life is finally how I wanted it to be. You'll read this in the future and think of how it all felt like an instant. It will be gratifying yet scary to think all the time that has passed. Look into the reflections and pluck the one you most desire and have it come to truth, all you have to do is live it and it will all come to pass.

The importance of History

I have to admit, I've never thought much of History. I dreaded the subject in school and never understood the importance of it. I realize now that it is vital. Without a knowledge of History we don't know where we came from, we don't know how much our ancestors fought to ultimately get us where we are. I've been depressed lately and the reason being is that I'm tired of living at home, I'd like to purchase my own place. I have everything I need, 3+ meals a day, all of my family has their health and yet I'm unhappy. I am so selfish when all I can think about is being on my own and depressed because I'm working paying off my credit debt. I forget that some people in foreign countries may not have gotten to eat today. Perhaps they spent today fighting for their life and all I do is feel depressed around all of God's blessings.I watched the Pianist today, it's about a Jewish pianist that gets torn apart from his family. He miraculously survives in German territory long enough until German is invaded by the Polish. He spent so many days close to death because of starvation or from people just wanting to kill him. He lost his entire family and everything he had yet he manages to keep going. He has every right to be depressed and to just give up but he kept fighting. When he's able to live in peace again he must feel so much sorrow thinking about his family, I wonder how he could ever be happy, I'm sure he never was but just kept going.I wonder if we knew everything our ancestor's did to get us here if we would live differently, would we treat each other differently? Would some of us waste out lives partying, addicted to drugs, neglecting our family. If we knew just how much blood our family gave for us would we continue to take everything for granted? Perhaps I would stop trying to be so perfect and accept what I am, what I have, as the absolute grace of God and be thankful for where I am in my life. Sometimes I wonder if America is only changing because we simply just want more. We cannot be satisfied until we have everything. God has blessed us with beautiful things yet we want is corruption. 2 Peter 1:3 - NLT Translation:By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.I believe if we strive to live a Godly life, our life would feel fulfilled. If we feel fulfilled I don't believe we would continue to want. By wanting we prevent ourselves from living. Everything we need has already been given to us. I think the reason on why we want is because we don't feel fulfilled. I believe the only way to feeling fulfilled is by living a Godly life. There aren't many people that could go without any material object. So many things have drawn us away from seeking God, I think religion (ironic, I know) is one of the things. To classify people and label people, to label ourselves, is a dangerous things. There are standards you have to live up to and a persona to try and maintain. I guess for some people this helps them live, this gives them some sort of meaning to life. How frightened would you feel to be alone, to be without anything. The other night I was wondering how myself and other people can claim to be something yet lack so much knowledge about it and from the exterior, show no signs of the claims. That's something we should probably ask ourselves because the way God sees it there's Evil and Goodness. There is no in between, there is no acting good then participating in evil. Your either completely evil and going to hell or you live in God's image and have eternal salvation. It sounds so harsh yet God has let us determine our fate.x