Where Beauty Exists

Man, has it been a while! Hope life is treating you well!

For the past few days I've had something on mind, tonight I saw a video on Youtube about David Elmore Smith which forced me here, writing to you now. For too long I've always thought of myself as an ugly person. I'm too fat to have a relationship, I've been cursed with terrible genetics and there's no part of myself that's worth another person's time.
I thought I needed the ideal BMI of under 20 and a washboard six pack. I thought I needed a more distinct jaw line, I thought I needed surgery to correct a lazy eye lid... The list of things I thought I needed just isn't rational any longer. I look back in my life and see the people I care deeply about and the ones who've brought the most joy in my life and guess what, they aren't going to be America's next top model!

I still have to learn to be comfortable in my own body, as time passes though I'm starting to realize it a lot more. It's wonderful to be in perfect physical shape but you also can't let it be the only thing you work for in your life.
I believe there is only 1 thing in life that can bring you true happiness and that is having your own family. It's not how many millions you have stored away in the bank or how big your home is or what type of car you drive. The only happiness that will persevere in this life is having your own family. Loved ones by your side, relationships with DEEP ROOTS and blossoming foliage that represents your love.
My generation and younger are too focused on our looks. The meaning of love has been distorted, the foundations of marriage, corrupted. We seek the temporary satisfaction of sex and so many of our peers only agree that this is how we're supposed to be living our lives. Get married before sex, buy a home, start a family!? That's just old fashioned BS, we live in a modern civilization now where if it makes you feel good, it must be right! Yet so many more of our children are being raised in broken households, we're more dependent on psychological drugs than ever before and 1 out of every 3 people in America are obese. You're only fooling yourself by thinking you're popular and everyone wants to hang out with you because you get all the ladies, or you drive the nice car. Perhaps in your youth this is ok, but too many adults in their 40-50s are living this way! When are people going to grow up and not only start acting responsible but realize they've wasted their lives up until this point! What has money, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends (or friends with benefits) brought you in life? Can you think back to these experiences and feel satisfaction to sustain you for a lifetime?

I'm writing this for myself. Wherever you are in life learn to love yourself at all times. No matter who turns their back on you if you love yourself other's will only naturally love you. You've heard the term "Beauty is only skin deep" well if you're judging by external appearances than yes, you're correct. Goodness begins at the core and shines through the skin. Yet some are so blinded they'll never see...

So as mentioned earlier, I ultimately posted this after watching a video of David Elmore Smith. He weighed 650, and I believe lost 400 pounds. Well he has put on more weight (I've been through this and gained more than when I started losing it, 328 was my max). I remember watching the 650 pound virgin on TLC and how at the end of his weight loss he attempted to meet a woman. I remember how hard is was for him and I remember feeling anxiety while watching him. I know Chris Powell has been a great friend to David and I'm sure has only intended and wanted the best for David but I don't believe the weight loss was done correctly. I believe that before a significant amount of weight should be lost, mental health should be assessed and be strengthened. I only mention this because I've been through hard times as well and believe I can relate to it.

David made a comment in one of his videos of how even though he weighs in at 500+ he's still training a friend in his apartment complex. David, if you can show someone how to workout correctly, you may just be the best trainer they've ever had. I wanted a trainer that showed how much they really cared for me, expressed that they wanted to see me get healthier. David has an advantage over the other trainers and over his friend Chris Powell because David has been through it ALL. Most trainers do not realize the MENTAL battle over food. The depression obese people feel, the want to just give up on life. By experiencing this David you can offer a deeper foundation of support than any trainer ever will. I believe you have the ability to change lives more now, than ever before. You've done the TV show diets and quickly shed all the weight yet it didn't work, why? You know this answer and you know the fix. You know now that a quick loss isn't the answer, you know a person that is severely obese needs to do more than just working out and eating right, they need to evaluate their life, something else needs to be addressed.

I wish I lived closer to David Elmore Smith because I would hire him as my trainer in a heart beat! I truly believe David can and will make a difference in many people's lives and he'll find his while in the process. I'm not sure if you think the same as I do David but my advice to you would be stop comparing yourself to others and realize that they must compare themselves to you! 

Just some thoughts...

I have to learn to just let people flap their jaw because in the end you can't change a person, only offer your opinion and views and hope it may sink in. I've never been perfect and some times I fear of being judged one day for things I'm not happy about doing. On the flip side though I'm glad we'll all be judged because some people... hmm do they deserve it, idk. If they're truly wrong and become punished for it I'm sorry they never realized the Truth. I guess I shouldn't have the feelings of wanting revenge, that doesn't help them or myself in the end. All you can really do right now is show love, no matter how bad you might be treated, it doesn't matter.

I've had some dreams lately and they got me thinking... not about the dream itself but just of dreams in general. I used to offer up all my dreams to anyone but the more I think of them I'm realizing a dream is the deepest route to our sub-conscience. Anywayz... until next time.

Wow, it's been a while...

Hey, still here, alive and kickin! Started my new job and loving it! I don't have much time to talk here, just wrote quite a long blog elsewhere. I've been pretty stressed lately, I needed an outlet that kept me anonymous. Anywayz hope you're all doing well, whomever reads this that is...

Creating A Restore Point

A plan B, another option we can fall back on if other ventures don't pan out. Applicable not only on our Windows operating system (if you're not into IT you probably didn't consider that) but in our life. I'm sure we all have realized this before and have contingency plans set up to secure us. I ask tonight though, besides creating restore points, why not create "destination points" you may be thinking, those are called goals! Not necessarily a goal... A "destination point" is more vital in our life than just a goal. It's a point we have no other option than needing to arrive at. Perhaps create imaginary "destination points" in our life by analyzing our current track and avoid the path we don't wish to be on at all costs.

I suppose this makes more sense in my head as it probably does for you... but it's basically not doing something to reach a goal instead of only thinking of what we have to do to reach a goal. I want to reach my goal of 250 by Christmas, I know I am not going to eat that piece of cake and I know I am not going to feel tired after work to only go home and veg on the sofa!

What if I could look a month into the future and realize that the squeaking sound coming from my front driver's side wheel was an issue that would cause my tire to fall off while driving on a major highway, causing me to be killed. Sounds silly, and it's only a theory but who's to say it won't happen? That squeaking will inevitably lead to an issue if not resolved, so who knows what the issue will be? If I was certain that the accident would happen I would be doing everything right now in my power to make sure it never got that bad. That determination of doing whatever it takes to divert a situation is what I am thinking of calling a "destination point" doing anything in your power to prevent an inevitable situation in your life.

Perhaps some people just don't realize they're current destination points on their life, while others can see them clearly? They are undoubtedly there and yet it's not motivating them to divert the situation? Does this mean they've given up on life?

P.S. Been a while since I've blogged! I have been wanting to write about a few things but usually just change my mind at the last minute... Hope all is well!

The Marxter

I've been watching the show Dexter lately, partially because I've had a cold for the past week and multiple friends tell me how good it is and how much I'd like it! It's about a friggin psychopath murderer who thinks he's doing the world good by murdering people! What made my friends think I would like such a show!!? I don't know who they think I am but they sure do know me! I love it!!! lol... I'm not here to talk about the the reasoning or thought pattern of a serial killer, only to talk about how similar I feel to Dexter...
The way he has to live a double life and not let anyone in. It's not really something he chooses to do but something he's been hardwired to live by. I hate that I feel so much a like but I don't believe there's a way to change. I'll let people get close but eventually I find a way to push them a way. Perhaps I fear they'll just leave any way so I shorten the stay... idk. I'm oil that just doesn't mix with water it seems. The worse thing is, is that living like this used to be harder but now it's something I'm accustomed to. If I truly let someone in, I'm not sure to as how long they'd stay. Anyway, now time for a random dream I had!


I was on my Grandparent's dock, I was with my sister and nephew. My sister was up in my grandparent's backyard on the concrete that divides their yard. For some reason I let my 3 year old nephew go and run to her. As he was running a long the seawall he got too close to the edge and fell off into the water. I remember right after letting him go, as he was half way across the seawall, that he was going to fall in. I was frozen on the dock knowing this and just waiting, thinking, hoping I was wrong. He fell in and right before I jump in the water I think that my phone is going to get ruined. --Now I have quite a few crazy intense horrific dreams and to tell you the truth they don't bother me. What bothered me mostly about this dream is that I thought about my phone before jumping in the water. --Back to the dream... The thought of my phone races through my mind but I ignore it and jump in. I see my sister screaming and about to jump into the water but decided not to since I was already diving down for him. All I remember is being thankful the tide wasn't higher than is was and in mid swim to the bottom I forced myself awake, knowing that this was not reality.


I wonder some times if I think about things, things around me, things that normally your sub-conscience may pick up on but you never realize, too much. In my opinion, it seems pretty intricate that in my dream I analyzed the height of the water to the seawall and determined what the depth of the water was. I knew if it was a high tide that there probably wasn't a chance that I could make it to the bottom. I also thought to myself that no matter what, I could not live with myself if I didn't come back up with my nephew in my arms. I would have undoubtedly swam as far as I could even if I didn't have the breathe... 


I'm thinking about Dexter again and how in his every day life he is one of the nicest people to know. Brings donuts pretty often to work for everyone to enjoy and never seems to turn anyone down that asks for help, even if he was in the middle of killing someone. It's like he is the perfect definition of night and day. Although in his mind he only lives to make people happy. He only kills to make sure no one else gets hurt, at least so far through season 2 that is... I guess what I need to work on more is being prepared on going in for the kill. Obviously not literally, but learn how to continue being Mr. nice guy while at the same time not changing a beat when the situation requires. Instead of feeling inferior and anxious surprise them by being unusually calm and confident in the time of quarrel.

Anywayz enough about that stuff! I'm on about day 7 of having this cold and feel like it'll be completely gone by day 9. 3 days of coming, 3 days of residence and 3 days leaving! It sux because I haven't been to the gym in a good week but there's no way I could have worked out feeling like I do. I really want to hit my goal of weighing 250 by Christmas! It would be amazing to take a snowboarding trip early next year or perhaps the next winter... probably have to shoot for next winter considering the need of getting out of debt. Which I have been doing better at lately too. Well not actually paying it off, need to still send a large payment in but doing better with making stupid purchases. Before i by something I think about the actual material and time spent and who made the item before I purchase it. I'm trying to think before I buy, imagine that... Hopefully by this time next year I'll only have my car debt! And hopefully weigh under 200 pounds! It makes me excited thinking about it because I know how quickly a year passes, I've been blogging over a year which blows my mind! August 13th is when I started. Funny how i never really intended to keep going with this but it's nice being able to release me thoughts and who I am to the world and so far not having much response back from it. If people like reading about me and who I am than I'm happy with that. I know people are too because I see stats that people are specially googling me by searching, "mp3markel blogspot" anywayz, I'm outta here! I sure hope next year I'll be writing a blog on how I am under 200 pounds...

Addiction quickie...

Perhaps I'm addicted to food... I never really thought I was but I am wondering if I'm addicted or perhaps it's only just a habit right now. What determines an addiction from a habit though...? I am wondering this because I am currently not hungry and I have a sinus cold that has prevented me from tasting and smelling. Even though I am not hungry and I can't taste I am still craving a snack late at night! I just ate half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and realized, why am I eating this, I can't even taste it! I need to find a way to break this addiction some how and stick to it whenever I feel these cravings! It's ridiculous on what I eat only when my mind craves food and I'm not actually hungry... and now time for sleep!

Demonic

My demons = Debt, bad eating choices, and the internet

I've probably mentioned this before in previous blogs but it's been a while and this is on my mind, imagine that, right! I absolutely hate not being able to live a life and feeling free from worrying on making enough money to pay bills. ESPECIALLY when the bills are for department store accounts for merchandise you can't even remember purchasing. Now I know mostly of what purchases caused my debt but there is some that I haven't the clue since the debt is probably 6+ years old now...
The good thing is I have come to realize just how evil debt is, it's unfortunate it took me this long but luckily I am not in much debt so working my way out won't be too bad as other people may have it.
I was talking to a friend that recently paid his credit card debt off and he felt frustrated that he had to go back into more debt for his family. His parents are up to their eyeballs in debt (as so many people are nowadays) and could not afford to fly out to be with family at a brother's funeral. This is the real world effect and travesty of debt! If it weren't for my friend having the ability to purchase the flight, his father would have missed his brother's funeral! Being in debt and not being prepared for the unexpected is a terrible way to live through this short life of ours.
As I was saying though, I think I have finally realized this demon of debt and have a plan and motivation to get out of debt and to stay out of debt. I'm glad I realized this now rather than realizing it at 50 years old.

As far as the other 2 demons, bad eating choices and the internet... I have a goal set to lose 35 pounds by christmas to put my weight at 250 and a total of a 78 pound loss! The reason of stating the internet as a demon is becuase it keeps me up too late at night. I'm working on shutting down the computer and going to sleep before 11! Staying up til 2-3 in the morning for the past 3 years is over, my body has felt the effects! Once I get a good month of sleep I'll be anxious to post the results and how it has changed the way I feel. I know I've said this before but this time it's happening! Anywayz, gotta get outta here! Good night blogger universe!