Howdy! The weight loss progress is going great! I'm down to 310, lost 18 pounds in a month! I'm excited! I really want to write a long post but this is going to stay short since it's already late and i need to make some lunches for tomorrow and other things...
The past posts about mentality and there only being NOW is so true! I've been really motivated to lose weight but it feels like within the past week I've had some sort of epiphany.. I just feel like I'm on top and anything is within my reach if I only control the NOW. Stop worrying about the future or the past, stop listening to negative people around you, stop telling your self you're no good! Just do these things and you too will notice a difference!
I am excited to get to my goal weight of 200 pounds, if I can lose 3-4 pounds a week I should be there by the end of this year! I am always working on getting out of some of this lousy debt and it too feels great! Being a slave to debt is almost worse than being over weight, almost.
Excited and looking forward to traveling after losing this weight! It's been a long time desire of mine to just leave everything behind and travel around America, working job to job just to get by and see the next place! Might sound crazy yes, but it's something I need to do for myself!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
5 Reasons to Work Out!
Healthy heart. Stronger bones. Leaner muscle mass. Faster metabolism. The benefits of exercise are far-reaching, and most of us are familiar with the advantages of working up a sweat. We know that exercise helps trim the waistline, tone the biceps and build cardiovascular fitness.
There are other benefits to exercise that may surprise you. According to recent research studies, exercise has been linked to increased mental capacity, better moods and even decreased likelihood for developing cancer. Jazzercise Founder and CEO Judi Sheppard Missett shares these five benefits of regular exercise.
Exercise Boosts Brainpower
Climb stairs to increase your IQ? Believe it or not, exercise can actually make you smarter. At the University of Washington School of Medicine, research study participants, who engaged in aerobic exercise for 45 to 60 minutes, four days per week, showed greater gains in mental skills than the non-exercisers. Meanwhile, researchers at the UCLA School of Medicine report that obese adults have about eight percent less brain volume than adults at normal weights.
Exercise Improves Your Mood
The next time you’re feeling down in the dumps, go for a walk or hop on your beach cruiser. The American Journal of Preventative Medicine reports that women who walk at least 7,500 steps per day are 50 percent less likely to suffer from depression than women who remain sedentary.
It doesn’t matter how you get the 7,500 steps. Participating in an aerobics-style exercise class will add-up to 7,500 steps in a jiffy. But, don’t be dismayed if you can’t make it to class every day. Walk the stairs at lunchtime for 10 minutes, take a couple laps around your office building for an afternoon break, then take a stroll around the neighborhood later in the evening.
Exercise Battles Cancer
Over the past decade, dozens of scientists have recommended exercise as a means to ward-off cancer. More recently, researchers are also suggesting that cancer survivors should engage in regular exercise to ease fatigue, minimize the risk of recurrence, and improve quality of life. Just last month, the American College of Sports Medicine published guidelines that advise cancer survivors to shoot for two and a half hours of exercise per week.
Exercise Banishes Cravings
If you’ve ever logged an extra two hours on the stair-stepper to compensate for that giant slice of banana cream pie, you’re not alone. And while exercise certainly burns calories from gluttonous eating sprees, new research delivers even better news. It looks like regular workouts can actually help us ward-off cravings before we dive into the cookie jar.
According to research published in the American Journal of Physiology, individuals who participated in cardiovascular or strength-training exercises reported significantly fewer hunger pangs and cravings than their sedentary counterparts. That’s because exercise causes blood flow to divert from the stomach to your muscles that are hard at work, thus lessening hunger.
Exercise Helps You Make a Good Impression
Headed to a job interview? Meeting your future mother-in-law? Use exercise to help you make a good first impression. In a study at the University of Alberta in Canada, 450 participants responded more positively towards individuals who exercise versus folks who avoid fitness. The study participants described the exercisers as happier, healthier, and more energetic than non-exercisers
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Gaming Piracy, Killing The Experience...
I was reading a couple of threads over at the GBATemp 3DS boards and saw how everyone was worried that pirating the 3DS would lead to killing the machine over time. Perhaps developers would stop developing games or maybe the quality wouldn't be as great as it could be. This may be true, but for me, piracy does more than damage sales for Nintendo. I've realized that piracy damages the whole gaming experience.
I grew up with the Sega Genesis, I can still remember my mom purchasing the system and the included Sonic 1 (and mail in certificate for Sonic 2) that came with the system. I can also remember wanting so many of the new games for the Genesis like, Sonic 3/Knuckles, Aladdin, Jurassic Park, Rocket Knight Adventures, etc... In order to get these though I had to mow lawns or do chores around the house and save my money for them! The other option was to wait throughout the year for my birthday or Christmas. Anyway what I'm getting to is, I appreciated these games because I had to work for them. To this day my favorite game is still Sonic 1. In this age of the Internet we expect things instantly, and most of us here can usually succeed at obtaining this. As a child I could only dream of having every game for every system. I guess the thought of all the work and money I would have to put in to obtain every game just seemed unimaginable. Now that we have the internet, the whole EUR, USA & JAP collections for many recent generation systems can be had in a matter of hours (or minutes). You can no longer admire that game case, artwork and physical media sitting on your shelf that you worked so hard for. Our games sit on a memory card waiting to be played, which most of the time doesn't happen because the care to play just isn't there like it is when you review a game, anticipate a game, rent the game and buy the game.
So don't be so worried about the system dying, be more concerned with the experience you lose when downloading a game. Anyone out there agree with me?
I grew up with the Sega Genesis, I can still remember my mom purchasing the system and the included Sonic 1 (and mail in certificate for Sonic 2) that came with the system. I can also remember wanting so many of the new games for the Genesis like, Sonic 3/Knuckles, Aladdin, Jurassic Park, Rocket Knight Adventures, etc... In order to get these though I had to mow lawns or do chores around the house and save my money for them! The other option was to wait throughout the year for my birthday or Christmas. Anyway what I'm getting to is, I appreciated these games because I had to work for them. To this day my favorite game is still Sonic 1. In this age of the Internet we expect things instantly, and most of us here can usually succeed at obtaining this. As a child I could only dream of having every game for every system. I guess the thought of all the work and money I would have to put in to obtain every game just seemed unimaginable. Now that we have the internet, the whole EUR, USA & JAP collections for many recent generation systems can be had in a matter of hours (or minutes). You can no longer admire that game case, artwork and physical media sitting on your shelf that you worked so hard for. Our games sit on a memory card waiting to be played, which most of the time doesn't happen because the care to play just isn't there like it is when you review a game, anticipate a game, rent the game and buy the game.So don't be so worried about the system dying, be more concerned with the experience you lose when downloading a game. Anyone out there agree with me?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A New Angle - Reflection of Emotion
I've been meaning to post a blog for quite a while now! I have been busy with work and also hitting the gym pretty hard! I don't really know where this motivated came from, but it's here, and here to stay! Actually I kinda have a clue and yeah I'll tell it to you...
I had a dream (what's new right, I'm sure I sound like MLK by now!) that my grandmother (Rita) came over my place to visit. Well when she came walking in she says, Mark every time I see you you're gaining more weight! Why don't you start eating healthier and get serious about exercising!? I said, well Nanny it's so expensive to eat healthy and buy organically! She exclaimed, "Mark, this is your health we're talking about, the expense should not be a hindrance!"
So ever since that dream I've been hitting the gym and decided to get serious about losing weight. I truly believe our dreams should not be taken lightly, there's always a purpose behind them it seems. Anywho... I've got a personal trainer as someone to be accountable to, and of course to show me how to properly workout and what I should be doing. For me the psycho-logic factor of knowing he's going to see what I eat and my true progress motivates me to strive for doing better.
Ok, now for the juicy deep thought stuff that I've been anxiously wanting to write about! lol, I'm crazy, I know!
Over just the past two weeks I have come to realize the real value of eating right. I've been putting good healthy natural food into my body and it's already making a huge difference! I sleep better for starters. I've only lost 12 pounds within the past 2 weeks but yes, I already notice a huge difference. I would normally jump up during sleep because I had the sensation of feeling my heart beat, and sometimes thinking it stopped. I thought about this more but I think what I had going on was sleep apnea. I stopped breathing during my sleep which would make me jump up once I realized I wasn't getting air. I am usually very private about my health but I am writing this for my future self so I remember what it was like being 328 pounds. I would dread going to sleep because I always thought of the horrible feeling of jumping up. It's so terrible but this the real life stuff that comes with being overweight. I realize I should have had a doctor look into this but heart issues completely fear me. Perhaps my Dad telling me of the clogged arteries my Grandfather had and the open heart surgery procedure to install stints and how I would follow in those footsteps if I'm heavy, has something to do with it? Yet did they teach me how to eat healthy, (besides buying a fresh can of green beans) to go with the red meat, potatoes and bread for dinner. I'm not blaming my parents for my weight gain but if you never give a child crap for food they will never crave it. That's just common sense, anywayz where was I...
Ah yes, there are two areas to be worked on when losing weight! I know this because I've been through it (knowledge+ experience = wisdom, remember that) Those two areas are, (obviously) your physical body and your mentality. My trainer said 70% of losing weight depends on what you eat. This may be true but I say 100% of being successful is your mentality! If it wasn't for me deciding ok, let's get serious about losing this weight how would I ever be successful? If I tell myself I can't do it, guess what, I won't do it! You are what you tell yourself. One of my blogs comes to mind about Humans having the ability to summon an emotion or a shot of adrenaline whenever you choose. During my first week of working about I thought to myself, ah I worked really hard last night, I am so tired I just wanna go home to rest and I'll work out really good tomorrow. Well I got no rest and tomorrow comes and guess what, I'm way to tired to work out! My thoughts held me back all the time. So what do I do? I don't think about it! I tell myself I'm going to the gym and that's all there is to it now. Working out a eating healthy is going to be a part of my life. Some nights I feel like I just wanna go home and veg on my sofa. Physically I'm tired, but I push those thoughts to the side and my mind empowers my body to keep moving on. I believe all of us have this ability, it's just a matter of utilizing it. Perhaps this sounds like "will power" but for me it's something more. When I see a warm cinnabon coming from the oven with a thick sweet glaze covering it, holding myself back from eating it is "will power". Not allowing my mind to give into my human way of thinking is more than just will power. I'm honestly not sure what you would call it but it's something we all can do if we want to.
I've been dealing with depression and partially because of my weight but the other part because I just think all wrongly about myself. I look at other people and see how much more in shape they are than me and along with that feeling comes, they're smarter than me, which intimidates me. Imagine living a life where you feel everyone is better than you. You don't even know the person but because they might be skinner you feel completely worthless to them. I feel like I can't even speak to them because they might catch on to how stupid I feel or maybe they'll be looking at the fat on my body in disgust. I have lived so many of my years feeling this insecurity and I just want it to go away. Problem is, losing weight doesn't mean you change you're way of thinking... (remember I've been there from losing weight once). Your mental health plays such a huge role into losing weight and keeping it off! How does one "exercise" or "eat right" for our mentality?
Have you ever heard the expression, 'Garbage in equal garbage out"? That's how our minds work. If we fill it full of garbage well then how do you expect something good to come out of it? If we're addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, etc. eventually our minds will be corrupted and losing weight ultimately won't be lasting. We have to put fresh, pure things into out mind and think of our life a whole new positive way. If we don't do this our negativity will overtake our lives and effect all parts of our life including weather we lose weight and keep it off. If we can do this, losing weight will only be something we work at because we realize how silly we've been thinking all our lives.
So in conclusion, my opinion of what matters most in losing weight is not what you eat, is not if you exercise, it's how we think about ourselves and what we're allowing to come into our minds. If we have a corrupted mindset, losing weight will just be so much more excruciating to the point of not even caring if your life gets any better. I believe our mentality is the stem to all of our personal troubles and problems.
I had a dream (what's new right, I'm sure I sound like MLK by now!) that my grandmother (Rita) came over my place to visit. Well when she came walking in she says, Mark every time I see you you're gaining more weight! Why don't you start eating healthier and get serious about exercising!? I said, well Nanny it's so expensive to eat healthy and buy organically! She exclaimed, "Mark, this is your health we're talking about, the expense should not be a hindrance!"
So ever since that dream I've been hitting the gym and decided to get serious about losing weight. I truly believe our dreams should not be taken lightly, there's always a purpose behind them it seems. Anywho... I've got a personal trainer as someone to be accountable to, and of course to show me how to properly workout and what I should be doing. For me the psycho-logic factor of knowing he's going to see what I eat and my true progress motivates me to strive for doing better.
Ok, now for the juicy deep thought stuff that I've been anxiously wanting to write about! lol, I'm crazy, I know!
Over just the past two weeks I have come to realize the real value of eating right. I've been putting good healthy natural food into my body and it's already making a huge difference! I sleep better for starters. I've only lost 12 pounds within the past 2 weeks but yes, I already notice a huge difference. I would normally jump up during sleep because I had the sensation of feeling my heart beat, and sometimes thinking it stopped. I thought about this more but I think what I had going on was sleep apnea. I stopped breathing during my sleep which would make me jump up once I realized I wasn't getting air. I am usually very private about my health but I am writing this for my future self so I remember what it was like being 328 pounds. I would dread going to sleep because I always thought of the horrible feeling of jumping up. It's so terrible but this the real life stuff that comes with being overweight. I realize I should have had a doctor look into this but heart issues completely fear me. Perhaps my Dad telling me of the clogged arteries my Grandfather had and the open heart surgery procedure to install stints and how I would follow in those footsteps if I'm heavy, has something to do with it? Yet did they teach me how to eat healthy, (besides buying a fresh can of green beans) to go with the red meat, potatoes and bread for dinner. I'm not blaming my parents for my weight gain but if you never give a child crap for food they will never crave it. That's just common sense, anywayz where was I...
Ah yes, there are two areas to be worked on when losing weight! I know this because I've been through it (knowledge+ experience = wisdom, remember that) Those two areas are, (obviously) your physical body and your mentality. My trainer said 70% of losing weight depends on what you eat. This may be true but I say 100% of being successful is your mentality! If it wasn't for me deciding ok, let's get serious about losing this weight how would I ever be successful? If I tell myself I can't do it, guess what, I won't do it! You are what you tell yourself. One of my blogs comes to mind about Humans having the ability to summon an emotion or a shot of adrenaline whenever you choose. During my first week of working about I thought to myself, ah I worked really hard last night, I am so tired I just wanna go home to rest and I'll work out really good tomorrow. Well I got no rest and tomorrow comes and guess what, I'm way to tired to work out! My thoughts held me back all the time. So what do I do? I don't think about it! I tell myself I'm going to the gym and that's all there is to it now. Working out a eating healthy is going to be a part of my life. Some nights I feel like I just wanna go home and veg on my sofa. Physically I'm tired, but I push those thoughts to the side and my mind empowers my body to keep moving on. I believe all of us have this ability, it's just a matter of utilizing it. Perhaps this sounds like "will power" but for me it's something more. When I see a warm cinnabon coming from the oven with a thick sweet glaze covering it, holding myself back from eating it is "will power". Not allowing my mind to give into my human way of thinking is more than just will power. I'm honestly not sure what you would call it but it's something we all can do if we want to.
I've been dealing with depression and partially because of my weight but the other part because I just think all wrongly about myself. I look at other people and see how much more in shape they are than me and along with that feeling comes, they're smarter than me, which intimidates me. Imagine living a life where you feel everyone is better than you. You don't even know the person but because they might be skinner you feel completely worthless to them. I feel like I can't even speak to them because they might catch on to how stupid I feel or maybe they'll be looking at the fat on my body in disgust. I have lived so many of my years feeling this insecurity and I just want it to go away. Problem is, losing weight doesn't mean you change you're way of thinking... (remember I've been there from losing weight once). Your mental health plays such a huge role into losing weight and keeping it off! How does one "exercise" or "eat right" for our mentality?
Have you ever heard the expression, 'Garbage in equal garbage out"? That's how our minds work. If we fill it full of garbage well then how do you expect something good to come out of it? If we're addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, etc. eventually our minds will be corrupted and losing weight ultimately won't be lasting. We have to put fresh, pure things into out mind and think of our life a whole new positive way. If we don't do this our negativity will overtake our lives and effect all parts of our life including weather we lose weight and keep it off. If we can do this, losing weight will only be something we work at because we realize how silly we've been thinking all our lives.
So in conclusion, my opinion of what matters most in losing weight is not what you eat, is not if you exercise, it's how we think about ourselves and what we're allowing to come into our minds. If we have a corrupted mindset, losing weight will just be so much more excruciating to the point of not even caring if your life gets any better. I believe our mentality is the stem to all of our personal troubles and problems.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
God and His wind-up toy...
Did God create us as a simple toy to wind-up really tight, set on the floor and watch waddle across the room to the other side? Did he put us here knowing our inevitable path? Why did God even bother with giving us a life here on Earth? Do I have the answer, no. Although I do have an opinion... Why should you even care!? Because if I'm right, I'll be talking about your life after death. Surely that has to at least sound important to you? ...
I'm a sinner and I wonder why God would have me write and think about the things I do. Why do I even care to believe in God, what has he done for me, what tangible thing has he given me? I have a strong desire of interest because as I said above, this is the after life we're talking about. If you aren't concerned with it, you may be living in a place after you die that you wish you could get out of... but won't be able to. So I think it's in every humans best interest to at least consider your possibilities, no?
I just finished commenting a post I made a couple of weeks ago.; About how we have many branches in life and how we get to choose which we take. I was thinking does God REALLY know everything and if he did, doesn't He know every branch we choose, every choice we make. Sure we get free choice of how we live our lives and we can alter it at any moment, but God will always be ahead of us in knowing what we're about to do, or think. If we could ask God when we're born, will I live to serve you and go to Heaven or will I perish in Hell? If He could answer this since He's all-knowing then why even bother going through life if it isn't worth it?
...This subject requires faith, are you willing? I may know your path but you don't. You're the one whom needs to find it, for you will gain from choosing it. (This just came to my mind so I wrote it)
--------------------------
Forget the conversation, in your mind visual this...
Your sitting a a desk with a white piece of paper.
You need to draw the most difficult labyrinth (maze) you ever could think about drawing. However, there are some guidelines to follow when making your labyrinth...
1. Your maze will have 1 straight line down the middle to the finish .
2. Your maze will have dead ends.
3. (This is why it's difficult) Your maze will have a hundred trillion alternate routes on both sides of the straight line. The alternate routes at some point, will route back into the main line that leads to the finish.
Now, you've created you're maze.
This is the goal for anyone that has the opportunity at entering your labyrinth...
GOAL OF LABYRINTH:
Take as many of the hundred trillion routes you can take, without giving up at a dead end. The more routes you take the stronger you become. If you just walk down the route leading straight to the finish, you'll finish, but be a very weak person.
Perhaps this is what God intended for us? He gives us this life full of free will choices to see how strong we will become from living in it. Perhaps the whole idea of giving us souls and creating Earth was to create very strong souls for him to be with in Heaven. Perhaps there's a purpose for us in Heaven that He hasn't told us about.
-----------------
Ok Mark, that's great but I've completed my maze now and I'm looking back on it, seeing the lines I left through it. Didn't the all knowing God already see this as well? I'm sure He did. Well what's the point of Him giving us life if he already knew how we'd end up!? I don't know that answer but I do have a question...
Perhaps this natural idea of why should I even bother walking through this maze (life) if He knows the end, is simply one of those paths that leads to a dead end in your maze, or the simple straight line to finish? Do you choose to give up on the Lord and not strengthen your walk with Him?
Out of experience comes strength, out of experience comes wisdom, out of experience comes opinion, out of experience comes individuality, out of experience comes your personality. Do you wish this was simply given to you? Do you not think that if it was simply given to you, you'd probably be a clone of the next soul? The maze isn't for Him to determine you (He already knows you), the maze (life) is for you to determine you (your soul). What I said randomly because it came to my mind makes more sense now, read it again...
"...This subject requires faith, are you willing? I may know your path but you don't. You're the one whom needs to find it, for you will gain from choosing it."
I'm a sinner and I wonder why God would have me write and think about the things I do. Why do I even care to believe in God, what has he done for me, what tangible thing has he given me? I have a strong desire of interest because as I said above, this is the after life we're talking about. If you aren't concerned with it, you may be living in a place after you die that you wish you could get out of... but won't be able to. So I think it's in every humans best interest to at least consider your possibilities, no?
I just finished commenting a post I made a couple of weeks ago.; About how we have many branches in life and how we get to choose which we take. I was thinking does God REALLY know everything and if he did, doesn't He know every branch we choose, every choice we make. Sure we get free choice of how we live our lives and we can alter it at any moment, but God will always be ahead of us in knowing what we're about to do, or think. If we could ask God when we're born, will I live to serve you and go to Heaven or will I perish in Hell? If He could answer this since He's all-knowing then why even bother going through life if it isn't worth it?
...This subject requires faith, are you willing? I may know your path but you don't. You're the one whom needs to find it, for you will gain from choosing it. (This just came to my mind so I wrote it)
--------------------------
Forget the conversation, in your mind visual this...
Your sitting a a desk with a white piece of paper.
You need to draw the most difficult labyrinth (maze) you ever could think about drawing. However, there are some guidelines to follow when making your labyrinth...
1. Your maze will have 1 straight line down the middle to the finish .
2. Your maze will have dead ends.
3. (This is why it's difficult) Your maze will have a hundred trillion alternate routes on both sides of the straight line. The alternate routes at some point, will route back into the main line that leads to the finish.
Now, you've created you're maze.
This is the goal for anyone that has the opportunity at entering your labyrinth...
GOAL OF LABYRINTH:
Take as many of the hundred trillion routes you can take, without giving up at a dead end. The more routes you take the stronger you become. If you just walk down the route leading straight to the finish, you'll finish, but be a very weak person.
Perhaps this is what God intended for us? He gives us this life full of free will choices to see how strong we will become from living in it. Perhaps the whole idea of giving us souls and creating Earth was to create very strong souls for him to be with in Heaven. Perhaps there's a purpose for us in Heaven that He hasn't told us about.
-----------------
Ok Mark, that's great but I've completed my maze now and I'm looking back on it, seeing the lines I left through it. Didn't the all knowing God already see this as well? I'm sure He did. Well what's the point of Him giving us life if he already knew how we'd end up!? I don't know that answer but I do have a question...
Perhaps this natural idea of why should I even bother walking through this maze (life) if He knows the end, is simply one of those paths that leads to a dead end in your maze, or the simple straight line to finish? Do you choose to give up on the Lord and not strengthen your walk with Him?
Out of experience comes strength, out of experience comes wisdom, out of experience comes opinion, out of experience comes individuality, out of experience comes your personality. Do you wish this was simply given to you? Do you not think that if it was simply given to you, you'd probably be a clone of the next soul? The maze isn't for Him to determine you (He already knows you), the maze (life) is for you to determine you (your soul). What I said randomly because it came to my mind makes more sense now, read it again...
"...This subject requires faith, are you willing? I may know your path but you don't. You're the one whom needs to find it, for you will gain from choosing it."
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Distorted
What came first, the distorted thoughts or the physical deterioration... I watched the A&E series HEAVY tonight and it got me thinking (or maybe the Captian Morgan that I drank to help me sleep). The people on the show have distorted ways of thought. They turn to food for comfort and I too see myself doing the same. They've had issues in their life that have traumatized them into gaining weight, I wonder what happened to me? I can't even go to the gym for longer than a week... they go to the gym to survive. I haven't gotten to that point of knowing I need to go to survive but I'm on that road, that's for sure...
I'm imaging what I'll be like when I get fit and have more self confidence. I see greater pain to be truthful... I have my reasons but I also have a desire for this pain... the pain that people have caused me. Pain of neglect, taken for granted, not being accepted. All pains I've felt for a long time and plan to turn the tables on, not out of resentment but out of only feeling these things and not knowing differently. I want to start living for myself and not for ANYONE else. At the same time, I also deeply desire someone who yearns to need me. Not only in a sexual way but in a way of every aspect of their life. That person will also know this same feeling of pain and not take anything for granted but be thanking God everyday they have me near them. As the feeling will also be mutual for that person from me.
Being overweight has taken it's toll on my mind. It has distorted my core mental processes and I wonder if it will ever be within the range or someone normal. You know no matter what happens I believe The Lord knows who I am. I leave myself in The Lord's hands. He knows the path I should take and I feel he'll lead me in that direction. Perhaps what I think is distorted is actually just allowing me to learn the way Humans think...
I'm imaging what I'll be like when I get fit and have more self confidence. I see greater pain to be truthful... I have my reasons but I also have a desire for this pain... the pain that people have caused me. Pain of neglect, taken for granted, not being accepted. All pains I've felt for a long time and plan to turn the tables on, not out of resentment but out of only feeling these things and not knowing differently. I want to start living for myself and not for ANYONE else. At the same time, I also deeply desire someone who yearns to need me. Not only in a sexual way but in a way of every aspect of their life. That person will also know this same feeling of pain and not take anything for granted but be thanking God everyday they have me near them. As the feeling will also be mutual for that person from me.
Being overweight has taken it's toll on my mind. It has distorted my core mental processes and I wonder if it will ever be within the range or someone normal. You know no matter what happens I believe The Lord knows who I am. I leave myself in The Lord's hands. He knows the path I should take and I feel he'll lead me in that direction. Perhaps what I think is distorted is actually just allowing me to learn the way Humans think...
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