Here I Am

 All the glory be to God! Last year was an awakening for me. I got a blood clot in my leg that went to my lungs but through God's grace I'm still here. I am seeking God and focused on Him. I feel more aware of how short this life really is and the health experiences have made me check myself. 

I was just reading through a few of these old posts and I talked about losing Nanny and how I knew I won't see her again. I was wrong, I will see her again and I will see all my Grandparents again in heaven! Thinking about that day is incredible. 

Push the things of this world and the flesh aside and seek God because tomorrow is not certain!

Post Holiday Weight Gain Check In

I don't usually post here about the Keto way of eating but I am today...

I was kind of torn between deciding if I wanted to maintain a keto way or eating around the holidays or just indulge in the holidays and eat all of the traditional foods that I tie so many memories and emotions to... Well I didn't make a conscience decision, I think my sub-conscience just decided to throw keto out the window for a little while and eat whatever I wanted. I think it all began with my Disney trip on 12/1, I was definitely off of keto for at least 10 days straight. Anyway, I'm paying the piper now, I just weighed in and have gained 20 pounds! I knew I gained some, I thought maybe 10 but 20... that's insane to me. I can't believe how fast carbs make me body retain weight.

I'm thinking back to the cheating I did and I have to say, it wasn't worth it. There wasn't anything I feel like, you know what this 20 pounds was worth the gain. I ate what I wanted and had the buckeyes that my Grandmother makes around the holidays and although I like memories of her, eating junk food didn't make me feel any better not having her around for the holidays. I feel more depressed knowing I have to re-lose this 20 pounds and that I probably would've disappointed her more with this gain than eating those candies and all the other junk. If I could rewind time I would have maintained a Keto way of eating throughout Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've felt tired from eating the carbs, sluggish and bloated. The carbs just aren't worth it, the tastes aren't worth it, they don't make me feel happier or negate any feelings of not having my Grandparents around for the holidays.

I've been pursuing the Keto woe for a year and a half now, I think this is the first time I actually self evaluated my choices throughout the holidays. Next year my goal will be to maintain a keto woe as I have no desire to eat sugar, there's so many delicious keto options too. Perhaps next year I will eat whatever I want that's keto friendly and compare a potential gain to this year. 20 pounds, that's crazy. I won't let this be a major setback, I will lose it again and I will also hit my goal of 199 in 2019! I mean the year has 19 in it, it's kind of meant to be! :D

On to working out, this is one thing I haven't figured out yet. I can do it myself but a personal trainer helps me immensity. I also like the boot camp environment. I feel like I haven't quite found one I like yet. I just need to get this straightened out to feel like I'll be on track again. I also need a backup plan though, I can't let my success depend on an external factor. More planning to be done...

Dead

I feel like all hope is lost, I feel like the hope that I thought was there was just a facade. I was in love with someone who couldn't love me back and now we're friends. I feel like it's killing me but I think if their feelings were mutual, I wouldn't love them any longer. It's like I'm purposely making myself be alone.
I don't know what's wrong with me any more and I'm losing hope in just going on living. I don't know what is left for me any more. I'm losing interest in everything, what I thought was important to me just doesn't seem like it's worth anything now.

I thought things would be different for me as I lost this weight but it seems like life is getting more depressing. I started at 401 pounds and now down to 259, I don't think my goal weight will change anything.

It just feels like I'm incapable of love

On the verge of losing control

I've never considered that I may be creating a fake persona on social media. I like to show everything I have from making right decisions and working for it because to be honest I don't have any real friends and I guess I'm hoping they'll want to come hang out. When I say no friends I mean not like the friends I had years ago where I wanted to spend all the time with them, people I could open up completely to. I would love a relationship but if I don't feel passionate for the person I can't force it. I thought maybe I could but I can't... I want to have kids one day but if I don't love their mother what would that do to the kids? This is why I write about my feelings on this blog, I feel like no one else would listen and if they did, they really wouldn't be supportive. I need help and I don't know what I need help with or where to find it. It's been so long since I've actually been happy. I really don't know what to do any more.

A bucket

3/23/13

All of us are given a bucket. Some of us use the bucket to carry things. Some might use the bucket to carry concrete or tools to build things. Some of us may hate the bucket and resent it. Some of us may just not know what the bucket is used for. Some may break the bucket and be unable to use it.

Regardless, we all got a bucket and we all get to choose what to do with it. Every bucket is equal although they may look different each serves the same thing on whatever you choose.

I love you Nanny

I originally wrote this on 10/12/14

I lost my Grandmother, Rita Schatzel (Nanny) on September 15th. I knew her health was declining and told myself she would probably pass away soon but another part of me never expected to lose her. I have so many wonderful memories of spending with her, I know I won't see her again but these memories are so vivid in my mind I feel like she'll never really be gone.

The dieting secret and why I failed

I'm officially down 100lbs! I want to look back at previous blogs about weight oss and read my notes! I'm so glad I'm in better health and clothes are fitting easier! A few things that are different. not having to deal with swelling legs at night time, I don't feel tired around 2pm every day at work, just the general bloated feeling i felt all the time is nice to be rid of!

So about the subject line of this blog, the diet secret. I was watching My 600lb life today and there was a lady on it named Melissa Morris that I believe was one of the first participates of the show and one of Dr. Nowzaradan's first super obese patients to receive a stomach reduction surgery, sorry I don't have the exact scientific terms for you, you can google it if you'd like. First of all, Melissa is a huge inspiration to me and here's why:

She persists! She lost 400+ pounds and changed her life completely around. She had 3 children and went through a divorce. She gained a little over 100 back from the pregnancies but she isn't letting that weight get her down to where she falls completely back into bad habits. She actively trying to correct the problem and get her weight back down. Dr. Now mentioned a quote by Mark Twain that I can't find right now but went something like, You can quit an addiction 100 times but the real test to having over come it is by not picking it back up again. Weightloss will be a life long battle and it'll require constant monitoring and control. Melissa wasn't afraid to show she had gained more weight and let the world see that weightloss isn't always a permanent thing, whether done naturally or surgically, weightloss requires a change of habits.

During this episode Melissa kept referring to her problem being in her head, which I agree completely with. Weightloss doesn't start in the gym, it's going to first start in your head. You have to change your habits and the way you think about your life, you just have to or it's not going to be a solution you can maintain for a lifetime.

During the course of my life and dealing with my weight I think at times I was hoping someone could fix that mental aspect for me or at least tell me what to do to change. No one has been able to tell me yet on how to get your mind straight for losing weight but I think the secret is, at least from my experience is STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Whenever I'm in my head I usually get depressed about life which leads me to just not caring about anything and eating because it stimulates part of my brain that feels happy. Being in my head makes me think I'm tired when in reality I could go do the exercise. Being in your head all the time is detrimental and I believe most of my problem with weight and even other issues like my stuttering/blocking.

Another dieting secret, exercise isn't needed but it will assist you in losing weight and strengthen your body. I think for the times in the past when I attempted a calorie deficit way of eating along with exercise it was just setting myself up for disaster.

One of the funniest dreams I've had in awhile...

My cousin Faith and a few friends decided to visit foreign country. I stopped by my aunt Annette's and Uncle Paul's house to pick up Faith, while I was at their house Faith was telling me how Jason had something stolen from him again recently. I guess a few months prior to this dream, someone stole something valuable like his car, I forget what it was. Faith told me to guess what someone stole from him this time, I told her I had no idea and she answered his voodoo doll! I said oh my gosh how did that happen? She said well Jason had a radio channel party, hundreds of his friends visited aunt Annette and Uncle Paul's to listen to the radio. Well during this party someone apparently took his voodoo doll.

So my cousin faith and I leave and we drive an old beat-up pickup truck to the country we are visiting. We were taking these back roads that were real hilly, I was flying down the hills and as I was driving there was an anti gravity effect since I was going down hill so quickly. We were drinking sodas as we drove and holding the soda bottle caps in our hand, we realized if we let the cap go it would start floating! During my dream I didn't relate the anti gravity effect to how fast I was driving down hill, I just thought there was less gravity in the country we were in...

We finally get to our destination and check into our room, I called the few friends who also went and we decided that we would meetup and visit the beach. As Faith and I make our way to the beach I spot a little vendor outside the hotel that's selling theater style popcorn in a big bucket. So I buy a bucket of popcorn and by the time I get to the beach it's almost all gone. A friend asks to taste some popcorn and I tell her well there's only a few pieces left that you can have but I'm sure there's going to be another vendor on the beach that can refill it for us.
Before we all go into the water faith says she's going to stay behind to wear her Power Jacket. She said if anyone doesn't know what that means they can stay behind with her and she'll explain it to them but it could take an hour. I think it meant she was going to stay behind and smoke a cigarette, but I'm not sure.
So my friends and I start walking down to the beach and on our way there there's a concrete ramp that leads to the water. Where the concrete ended there were a few rocks we had to step down into. Sarah decides that she's going to jump from the concrete ramp onto the rocks in the water to avoid some oysters. As she's jumping I'm standing behind her and when she jumps she accidentally kicked me in the crotch. And that was my dream...

Nanny

As I lay here in bed trying to fall asleep I can't help but think of you, as I do many nights. I think of the months leading up to your passing and how you had to stay in that assisted living facility. I can't remember how many times I went to visit you there but I feel like it wasn't enough. I wish I could go back in time so badly and just spend every minute with you.
There are times when we have family get togethers and we are happy together but the thought of you not being there is always in the back of my mind. I never bring it up to other family because the truth is I'll just fall apart and I don't know how to deal with my emotions. It's been almost 4 years since you've been gone and I still have nights like tonight when I break down and act like I just heard you were no longer with us. I remember when my mom told me you passed, I was driving out of the parking lot of work. When she told me I said something simple like aww, that's too bad but I'm glad your no longer suffering. I was pretty silent after I said that and I think my mom thought I just didn't know what else to say but in reality I was holding back my tears and trying my best to not burst out crying.
I regret not seeing your body, it feels like I don't have closure knowing your really gone. I regret you passed alone, I wish I was by your side holding your hand. I hope the nurse that was with you or found you kept you comfort. I hate the fact of not being there with you because in the back of my mind I face terror not knowing if a nurse was good or mean to you. I hope you forgive me Nanny I don't know of I'll ever get over these feelings.

Winning the lottery

So here's my question, how would wining the lottery effect your life?

I'm going to add to this at a later date but I wanted to save this idea as I lay here trying to fall asleep.

Imagine having 500,000,000.00 that's half a trillion at your disposal. Would you share with family and friends? Would you quit your job? Would you help your community? Do you imagine yourself having better experiences or relationships with your friends and family?

Make a list of your life now with 500M, what would it look like? Are any of those experiences things the money would allow you to do but not actually require any cash to doing it? For example, would you feel compelled to visit a facility that helps the handicapped?

Make a list...

The kindness is gone

Before I write one of these blog posts a few things go through my mind, the first being, What can I write that might have an impact on others? The second thought is, how I'm going to censor myself for anyone who might be reading. I realize this is a public forum and the reason I write is for my first thought, perhaps I can impact someone. In reality I think I'm only doing this for me, perhaps when I'm gone people (family, friends?) can refer back to this to learn some more about my thoughts and who I was.

I'm realizing that when I lost my grandparents I think I lost the kindness in my life. The kindness and true sincerity of someone caring about me feels like it's gone. I think this has also effected the kindness I exude and it disappoints me. My intentions are to be a happy bubbly person who would do anything for anyone but the reality is, I'm not that way. A lot of people annoy me, family and friends. I get angry thinking about situations and that just seems to put me in a further funk. It feels like I've given up and I have to remind myself to be the person whose different. I want to be the person people love, not for them but because I want that feeling in return.

I don't know what would make me happy any more. I have the tendency to think of how I can make other people happy when I think about how to make myself happy. This is my people pleaser mentality and I'm not sure if I want to get rid of that? It's like I've had it all my life and I feel like my kindness is connected to that. If I were to let it go, would I be letting go of my kindness completely? Why does my happiness have to involve other people? I don't know if that's normal.

I just looked up some articles about happiness and found this,

According to the Urban Dictionary, a “hater” can be defined by:
A person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for.
A being that speaks badly, and/or takes negative actions in attempt to create problems for a successful person.

I have to admit that I am sometimes a "hater". I don't know if I get jealous. For instance someone gets a better paying job, one I could have but don't want. My actions from that person's perspectives probably aren't friendly ones. I stop communicating with them and this how ridiculous everything they do is. That sounds like jealousy to me but I don't understand why I am jealous? I just need to stop this and be happy for the person, so many of us default to jealousy and most are probably ignorant to it like myself.

The Wrongly Interpreted Monster

You may have your sight but can believe what you're seeing? Sometimes we can make a "mountain out of a molehill" and the way this is done depends of our perspective on the subject. Well all have our opinions about things and the situations we face may seem simple to others but highly complex for us. If something can have such polar opposites whose to determine which of the sides is true? I think it's the person's perception the situation that determines how true something is.

You can idealize some one else's life and wish you had as much money and things as they do or you can be a person who makes a significant amount of money, owns many things and still feel unhappy thinking about something else you don't have. It almost seems as if we could just change our mindset we wouldn't have to want anything. Do you really need that new car? Are you just getting it to impress someone? Chances are that person may get jealous and just stop talking to you.

Anything of this world won't satisfy us and that's something I need to learn. It's nice to share experiences with others, those memories will last a life time. Life times are fleeting as it is...

No matter where I get in life or what I accomplish I don't think I'll ever truly be happy. No matter how much you try to do for others you'll never get the appreciation you expected in return. Nothing truly does matter in this life.

Someone better

Living through life you may gravitate towards those who may share similar interests as yourself or those who tend to have the same characteristics as yourself, or favor someone who you think has the most potential of fulfilling what you want.
However when the time comes and you need someone, that person you favored isn't there. Turns out they're exactly what you wanted them to be. Unfortunately you didn't know what you wanted nor what you needed. You were selfish and just wanted what you liked. The person you didn't favor was a person with a kind heart, a person who cared about you when you didn't accept us nor show us all too much love. Lucky for you that the person was someone better than you, a type of person you couldn't be, a type of person you never knew. A person you didn't know you needed until no one else was there. It's unfortunate that the person who want favored by you didn't receive your attention through life but that person is a person of people. They have a love of people that no one could kill, they may seem kind, innocent and gentle but on the flip side they would massacre all evil if your life depended on it.
Their life with you in it has effected them no doubt, love is difficult for them to understand and accept. However here they are still standing and caring.

Deep Sorrow

So the low carb dieting isn't going as well as it has. I've been staying up too late and not getting proper sleep. This leads into missing breakfast and rushing around in the morning. It also makes me feel depressed and ponder the meaning of doing this day to day life. I'll admit I feel like I want to give up on life sometimes and I don't know why I should really keep going. Someone told me to find my reason to keep going and stay motivated was to compare the things I like to do against the things I actually do. To be honest, the only thing I really like to do is watch a good show or movie. I do like to travel and experience new places but that's really the extent of things I like to do. Everything feels like a job, perhaps that's just depression making it feel that way, I don't really know any more.

I'm thinking about canceling my bootcamp membership. It's all done in a hot sticky (FL humidity) warehouse and it's really physically draining to just be in the heat. One of my motivators in losing weight was the hope of looking better and possibly getting into a relationship. I've come to realize though that losing weight isn't going to help me at all. I've always known this but just got reminded of it I suppose. The problem is the way I think about myself, as soon as I change my mentality and let myself get close to someone, a relationship will never happen. It's so hard to remain a positive and happy person when nothing in the world gives you much joy. I think about what I'll leave behind when I'm gone and that's also depressing, probably nothing will exist of me that someone will remember beyond my sibling's kids. How is a person supposed to stay active and lose weight when doing so requires determination, motivation and the help of something to be looking forward to?

How can I hate so much the hand I've been dealt in life and yet look at my life and think it's actually pretty decent? Do I just hate living? My mind and body have fought against each other for so long I feel like they're both done. Has my mind just always been in the wrong place? Can I create new world for myself solely due to a complete renovation of my mind? I feel like everything in my head needs to be dumped out, everything I have learned, the way I have grown, needs to be wiped from my mind and start all over with how I think and react.

The spectrum of you

I feel pieces starting to loosen, the parts of me haven't been formed from the universe I'm in now. Fragments of different eras of my life are weakening and breaking. My conscience seems like an image reflected on a thin brittle piece of glass. Upon inspection I see it's weak and covering a void. I thought I knew how to fill the void but I'm wrong. I'm lost and confused. I don't know which was is up. I've exhaled all the air in my lungs but didn't notice which way the bubbles floated to the surface... Everything I need to exist, succeed and conquer, is in my back pocket. All I have to do is BE, stop searching for the surface, it's already here. The universe of which I dream of can only be created by myself alone, no one else can understand it or see it. The look of a blank stare can be viewed as an empty mind yet the person staring might be in a world of terror.

I see your tears

Just something I was thinking about... after my grandfather passed away my grandmother with dementia couldn't understand where he went. She would ask us where he was and someone would tell her that he passed away and was in heaven but she just couldn't accept that he had passed away. She kept asking and it made me upset... She looked at me, saw my tears and I saw this expression of sorrow come over her. She stopped asking when that happened. I wonder if it was because she saw me upset or if she came to the realization that he was gone.

I'm doing it!

Well I'm finally doing it again! I've started my journey on weightloss again. I Googled for a personal trainer and found one in Hudson close to home but rather than personal training sessions I'm working out with a group of people trying to lose 100 pounds in 6 months! Not too sure if I'll succeed with losing 100 pounds but I'm going to try my hardest! The most difficult part for me you was trying to stop the Cravings of sugar. I still have days that aren't too great but I just have to focus on not letting those snowball into something worse. What's been helping me a lot is going to a local restaurant that serves fresh healthy food at a decent price. One of the most difficult things with  losing weight is preparing your food and making sure you have the right choices in place. I've lost about 15 pounds so far and right now I am maintaining my weight but I'm trying to not focus on that number so strongly. I think what's happening is I'm gaining muscle and burning fat at the same time so my weight isn't fluctuating too much. I can definitely notice a difference in my clothing, pants button easier and shirts seeing a little looser. I can definitely tell I've gained more strength and some of the issues like heart palpitations aren't happening as much. I'm sure also being on my CPAP has definitely supported my progress, sleep is very important when trying to lose weight. Whenever I've dated in the past I've always thought of a particular goal in the future like being skinny and being able to wear normal clothing or maybe feeling more confident in myself but lately I've been thinking about and goals and it's kind of depressing not really having goals. I don't know I guess this whole process just affects my mentality, I think about my grandparents a lot still and how much they meant to me and not and having them, think about what else I should go on for. I'm doing this for myself though and although I may not know what the future will bring I do know that if I'm going to live it I'd rather live it more healthy and at a bodyweight where I'm able to move rather than feeling like a fat blob. So hopefully my next blog will be a little more positive and hopefully I'll wait a little bit less!

In the end...

Well the 2016 election is over and Trump will be President of the United States of America! I've realized something from this recent election and that is, I don't give a shit about what people think of my opinions. My views and morals lean Right and I am proud of that! I am for LIFE and not murdering a child a few days before he or she is born. I didn't want a president that believes it's okay to lie to the American people.
I lost a few friends over my views and I'm sure a lot more quietly don't like me for them, possibly including some family and you know what, that's ok. To put it simply, the people who don't like me for it aren't close to me so I've lost nothing. If someone doesn't like my pro-life stance than so be it, leave.

I actually came here to write about something else but I guess this has turned political. Basically the overall message I wanted to get out is, BE WHO YOU ARE. Don't be afraid to step on toes or try to mold to the ideals of someone else. I have an issue with confidence in where I think everyone else it right and I'm probably wrong. Some people will act intelligent and confident that what they're speaking is truth until they get corrected or caught in a lie, then it's, I never said that or no this is what I meant... The only people they're fooling is their self. I saw a quote recently that I guess is from the Walking Dead...

The pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.

 I want to be more like a realist and see things for what they are. In the end I want to leave feeling that I was true to myself. I want strong loving relationships and I am also ok with people who despise me, it's a reminder that I took a solid stance on a topic someone else didn't agree with.

That's all for now!

My name is Mark, and this is another attempt...

I originally wrote this in October of 2016 but didn't publish it.

I wish I were perfect and could say I apply my knowledge into daily practice. I'm tired of being overweight, literally. I feel like I need to blog my conditions so I don't forget where I came from. My feet always hurt when walking and especially after getting up from sitting down or laying. My face feels pressure when laying down from all of my fat moving upward and pressing against me. My lower back is in pain. I can barely bend over without the feeling of my heart skipping a beat or losing my breathe. All I want to do it lay down and sleep. I have sleep apnea which prevents me from getting good sleep. I can't shop for clothes in regular retail stores any more. I can't fit in rides at theme parks. I'm much more attractive when I weighed 200 pounds, even with the loose skin. Maintaining this weight is esentially giving up on life.

My name is Mark, and this is another attempt...

I wish I were perfect and could say I apply my knowledge into daily practice. I'm tired of being overweight, literally. I feel like I need to blog my conditions so I don't forget where I came from. My feet always hurt when walking and especially after getting up from sitting down or laying. My face feels pressure when laying down from all of my fat moving upward and pressing against me. My lower back is in pain. I can barely bend over without the feeling of my heart skipping a beat or losing my breathe. All I want to do it lay down and sleep. I have sleep apnea which prevents me from getting good sleep. I can't shop for clothes in regular retail stores any more. I can't fit in rides at theme parks. I'm much more attractive when I weighed 200 pounds, even with the loose skin. Maintaining this weight is esentially giving up on life.