Back at it...

I'm uneasy about posting private things of myself online any more. When I created this blog I knew that anything I write here could potentially be stored for my lifetime and anyone could read it. It feels easy to just write anything here but I have to remind myself that this is view-able by the world and people I don't feel comfortable dropping my guard with may be reading something that I feel vulnerable about. I'm not sure where my future will lead me but I want to make sure nothing comes back to bite me in the ass as well!

So why did I write this? Perhaps it's just to remind you (and myself) that I know you're reading!

Actually I'm thinking of things I want to say and I can't... perhaps this will be my final post. Perhaps this is indeed my final post. The things I'd like to express are too painful and I know there's no one out there that is compassionate enough. I feel we're all creatures of selfishness and that's ok, I'll leave here now and deal with the issues and you won't hear any more of it. Perhaps if I don't give the problems any thought they won't exist? Silly you think but it's true. Our mind controls so much more then you've ever imagined. I believe we can heal ourselves with meditation of how we want ourselves to be in this world.

One day I'll come back here to tell you it's all different, that my life is finally how I wanted it to be. You'll read this in the future and think of how it all felt like an instant. It will be gratifying yet scary to think all the time that has passed. Look into the reflections and pluck the one you most desire and have it come to truth, all you have to do is live it and it will all come to pass.

The importance of History

I have to admit, I've never thought much of History. I dreaded the subject in school and never understood the importance of it. I realize now that it is vital. Without a knowledge of History we don't know where we came from, we don't know how much our ancestors fought to ultimately get us where we are. I've been depressed lately and the reason being is that I'm tired of living at home, I'd like to purchase my own place. I have everything I need, 3+ meals a day, all of my family has their health and yet I'm unhappy. I am so selfish when all I can think about is being on my own and depressed because I'm working paying off my credit debt. I forget that some people in foreign countries may not have gotten to eat today. Perhaps they spent today fighting for their life and all I do is feel depressed around all of God's blessings.I watched the Pianist today, it's about a Jewish pianist that gets torn apart from his family. He miraculously survives in German territory long enough until German is invaded by the Polish. He spent so many days close to death because of starvation or from people just wanting to kill him. He lost his entire family and everything he had yet he manages to keep going. He has every right to be depressed and to just give up but he kept fighting. When he's able to live in peace again he must feel so much sorrow thinking about his family, I wonder how he could ever be happy, I'm sure he never was but just kept going.I wonder if we knew everything our ancestor's did to get us here if we would live differently, would we treat each other differently? Would some of us waste out lives partying, addicted to drugs, neglecting our family. If we knew just how much blood our family gave for us would we continue to take everything for granted? Perhaps I would stop trying to be so perfect and accept what I am, what I have, as the absolute grace of God and be thankful for where I am in my life. Sometimes I wonder if America is only changing because we simply just want more. We cannot be satisfied until we have everything. God has blessed us with beautiful things yet we want is corruption. 2 Peter 1:3 - NLT Translation:By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.I believe if we strive to live a Godly life, our life would feel fulfilled. If we feel fulfilled I don't believe we would continue to want. By wanting we prevent ourselves from living. Everything we need has already been given to us. I think the reason on why we want is because we don't feel fulfilled. I believe the only way to feeling fulfilled is by living a Godly life. There aren't many people that could go without any material object. So many things have drawn us away from seeking God, I think religion (ironic, I know) is one of the things. To classify people and label people, to label ourselves, is a dangerous things. There are standards you have to live up to and a persona to try and maintain. I guess for some people this helps them live, this gives them some sort of meaning to life. How frightened would you feel to be alone, to be without anything. The other night I was wondering how myself and other people can claim to be something yet lack so much knowledge about it and from the exterior, show no signs of the claims. That's something we should probably ask ourselves because the way God sees it there's Evil and Goodness. There is no in between, there is no acting good then participating in evil. Your either completely evil and going to hell or you live in God's image and have eternal salvation. It sounds so harsh yet God has let us determine our fate.x

Where Beauty Exists

Man, has it been a while! Hope life is treating you well!

For the past few days I've had something on mind, tonight I saw a video on Youtube about David Elmore Smith which forced me here, writing to you now. For too long I've always thought of myself as an ugly person. I'm too fat to have a relationship, I've been cursed with terrible genetics and there's no part of myself that's worth another person's time.
I thought I needed the ideal BMI of under 20 and a washboard six pack. I thought I needed a more distinct jaw line, I thought I needed surgery to correct a lazy eye lid... The list of things I thought I needed just isn't rational any longer. I look back in my life and see the people I care deeply about and the ones who've brought the most joy in my life and guess what, they aren't going to be America's next top model!

I still have to learn to be comfortable in my own body, as time passes though I'm starting to realize it a lot more. It's wonderful to be in perfect physical shape but you also can't let it be the only thing you work for in your life.
I believe there is only 1 thing in life that can bring you true happiness and that is having your own family. It's not how many millions you have stored away in the bank or how big your home is or what type of car you drive. The only happiness that will persevere in this life is having your own family. Loved ones by your side, relationships with DEEP ROOTS and blossoming foliage that represents your love.
My generation and younger are too focused on our looks. The meaning of love has been distorted, the foundations of marriage, corrupted. We seek the temporary satisfaction of sex and so many of our peers only agree that this is how we're supposed to be living our lives. Get married before sex, buy a home, start a family!? That's just old fashioned BS, we live in a modern civilization now where if it makes you feel good, it must be right! Yet so many more of our children are being raised in broken households, we're more dependent on psychological drugs than ever before and 1 out of every 3 people in America are obese. You're only fooling yourself by thinking you're popular and everyone wants to hang out with you because you get all the ladies, or you drive the nice car. Perhaps in your youth this is ok, but too many adults in their 40-50s are living this way! When are people going to grow up and not only start acting responsible but realize they've wasted their lives up until this point! What has money, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends (or friends with benefits) brought you in life? Can you think back to these experiences and feel satisfaction to sustain you for a lifetime?

I'm writing this for myself. Wherever you are in life learn to love yourself at all times. No matter who turns their back on you if you love yourself other's will only naturally love you. You've heard the term "Beauty is only skin deep" well if you're judging by external appearances than yes, you're correct. Goodness begins at the core and shines through the skin. Yet some are so blinded they'll never see...

So as mentioned earlier, I ultimately posted this after watching a video of David Elmore Smith. He weighed 650, and I believe lost 400 pounds. Well he has put on more weight (I've been through this and gained more than when I started losing it, 328 was my max). I remember watching the 650 pound virgin on TLC and how at the end of his weight loss he attempted to meet a woman. I remember how hard is was for him and I remember feeling anxiety while watching him. I know Chris Powell has been a great friend to David and I'm sure has only intended and wanted the best for David but I don't believe the weight loss was done correctly. I believe that before a significant amount of weight should be lost, mental health should be assessed and be strengthened. I only mention this because I've been through hard times as well and believe I can relate to it.

David made a comment in one of his videos of how even though he weighs in at 500+ he's still training a friend in his apartment complex. David, if you can show someone how to workout correctly, you may just be the best trainer they've ever had. I wanted a trainer that showed how much they really cared for me, expressed that they wanted to see me get healthier. David has an advantage over the other trainers and over his friend Chris Powell because David has been through it ALL. Most trainers do not realize the MENTAL battle over food. The depression obese people feel, the want to just give up on life. By experiencing this David you can offer a deeper foundation of support than any trainer ever will. I believe you have the ability to change lives more now, than ever before. You've done the TV show diets and quickly shed all the weight yet it didn't work, why? You know this answer and you know the fix. You know now that a quick loss isn't the answer, you know a person that is severely obese needs to do more than just working out and eating right, they need to evaluate their life, something else needs to be addressed.

I wish I lived closer to David Elmore Smith because I would hire him as my trainer in a heart beat! I truly believe David can and will make a difference in many people's lives and he'll find his while in the process. I'm not sure if you think the same as I do David but my advice to you would be stop comparing yourself to others and realize that they must compare themselves to you! 

Just some thoughts...

I have to learn to just let people flap their jaw because in the end you can't change a person, only offer your opinion and views and hope it may sink in. I've never been perfect and some times I fear of being judged one day for things I'm not happy about doing. On the flip side though I'm glad we'll all be judged because some people... hmm do they deserve it, idk. If they're truly wrong and become punished for it I'm sorry they never realized the Truth. I guess I shouldn't have the feelings of wanting revenge, that doesn't help them or myself in the end. All you can really do right now is show love, no matter how bad you might be treated, it doesn't matter.

I've had some dreams lately and they got me thinking... not about the dream itself but just of dreams in general. I used to offer up all my dreams to anyone but the more I think of them I'm realizing a dream is the deepest route to our sub-conscience. Anywayz... until next time.

Wow, it's been a while...

Hey, still here, alive and kickin! Started my new job and loving it! I don't have much time to talk here, just wrote quite a long blog elsewhere. I've been pretty stressed lately, I needed an outlet that kept me anonymous. Anywayz hope you're all doing well, whomever reads this that is...